edit 2: Who's going to available in Bay area early next week? (mon-tues)? come out

edit: AirWeezy has crashed and burned

 Driving Fast and Flying High: Got a little Spring to your Step? Air Weezy does  

Ok, so on a trip to South Carolina (umm the Palmetto State), I was able to do some fun stuff. First I took a performance driving class. For those who are into cars, it was a treat. We took high performance cars such as the M5 and destroyed the tires and brakes. We autocrossed them, put them on a wet skid pad (w/ traction control OFF), did cornering exercises, braking exercises and did some drifting too.  3 days of constant exercises really wears you down. I mean, if you had sex for 3 days straight, you may want to get the ice pack and NOT think about it for a long long time. But, I learned a lot about car control, proper seating, when to brake, how to maximize turns etc.etc. If they had performance Sex EDucation like this, every girl would have multiple orgasms. Go S. Carolina!

During the actually traveling, I met someone with some unique shoes. Check out these pictures (yes, the pictures are clickable for a close up). When I first saw them, I was quite fixated on them. They literally have a big SPRING on the bottom of the shoe. Well, that does it, nobody is going to out Kangaroo Weezguy. Therefore I bought a pair. OMG they are so comfortable. It feels like someone put air in some extra strength non rippable condoms and stuck in under the shoes. So cushiony (actual word?) 
You know what these means for the basketball court right?    

That's right folks. YELLOW man can jump. Air Weezy (and springs) will be dunking to a court near you.

For more information on how you can be high, (I mean fly high) contact your friendly local neighborhood Weezguy Xanga and have him dunk on you. (ladies are more than perfectly welcome).

 edit: As you can see. These shoes for some reason, do NOT give you the ability to fly. The above picture was fantasy, the picture to the left is reality. I was unable to dunk, and not only that, I looked like a screaming yellow chicken on the way down. Moral of the story?  Make sure there are no girls around when you try, otherwise they may see your stupidity. 

Weezguy's World Tour: What do YOU dream of? - What makes you happy?

Ok my cherubs. So Im living in cali for now, but yet I don't know anyone in California, but.... like New Year's resolutions, summer time is a period in which you decide to do things, or is possibly the culmination of planning. Some plan small ("if I save $2/day I can get a new Playstation by end of summer"), other plan medium ("I'm going to Cancun this summer"), and then, there are life altering plans ("I'm going to lose 400 lbs and be able to see my feet for the first time since kindergarten").

 How many of you enjoying working at your job? How many are stuck in a boring or dead bf/gf relationship? Who is sick and tired of doing the same crapover and over, waking up going to work, enjoying 2 days off on the weekends. Anybody think how fast time flies and your are nowhere near where you want to be?  Who waits to be rescued? And how many realize that Prince Charming won't save you? After driving 4000 miles you think and appreciate a lot. It costs a lot more to travel now that's for sure, and ugly people are everywhere. Nevertheless, there are beautiful places, and there are sad lonely towns where the only people w/ good teeth are those that stick Chiclets in their gums. 

 OHIO: My friend said there were a LOT of good looking guys here ( I tend to disagree, more like I dis-don't care).

Cleveland: Home of Rock and Roll Hall of Fame (sorry, nighttime pic).

Sandusky, OH - CedarPoint, home of the tallest roller coaster in America. Stupid blue shirt redneck guy got in the way. This ride was pretty sick. Shoots you up at over 100mph, then you immediately come crashing down. There are 12 roller coasters in this park, if you're nearby definitely stop by. Who likes roller coasters?

Indiana - if I had more time, I'd check on the corn, Indianapolils, the city and the speedway. The Hooiser state, errrrm - what's a Hoosier?

Chicago - the skyline. You can see the Sears Tower (the tallest building in America, and up up until mid 90s the tallest building in the world).

"Married w/ Children" - remember that TV show? Buckingham Fountain the first scene that show always shows. 

Some Chrome coloured orb. We decided to take pics of our own reflections like a bunch of Japanese tourists. Look  how stupid we look ahhhhhh.

Wisconsin: Land of GreenBay and the Cheeseheads. Lot of old beer breweries used to be here. We stopped at Miluakee to eat.

Minnesota: What's here?  Mall of America (the biggest shopping mall in the country). Girls would love it. Days of shopping. Guys would hate it, days of shopping. Minneapolis/St. Paul Twin cities.  Anybody ever watch, "Little House on the prarie" TV show? Walnut Grove is here.

 SouthDakota: Who would have thought? We had so much fun in this state. This is where you Citibank credit card holders send you payments to. When I stopped for gas, some guy comes out of a pickup truck, w/ a beard, and hair that has not seen a comb for 13 years looks at my license plate and says "NY huh?".  Not wanting to be rude (or chopped up and fed to his dogs or dead), I said "Yes".  Inside my head I was thinking various ways I COULD have answered:

"NY huh?" --- "you can read?"
"NY huh?" --- "stupid huh?" (as in, you're stupid huh?)
"NY huh?" --- "pony tail red neck huh?"
"NY huh?" --- "no shower today huh?"      Man the fun I can have w/ these people if I only had time to spread Weez to the world.

Mt Rushmore - Again sometimes that looks more magnificent in person. We walked down to the base of it to get this type of angle. Pretty amazing how those rocks below were once on the mountain. Kind of like an ancient form of plastic surgery.

Crazy Horse: This will one day be more impressive than Mt. Rushmore. The left sculpture (white) is a model of what it will look like. The far ground is the actual mountain. The guy started 57 years ago and is still in progress by his family. In comparison the whole Mt Rushmore is only the size of his head. Definitely go see this.

 We took a helicopter ride. So cheap, it advertised $29.95 for a sampler flight. We had to stop to try. Crazy horse from view of helicopter.

Wyoming: Look behind the picture. It is flat. There were NO cars, no traffic, nothing. I couldn't resist.  I took my car up to 150mph, yes I'm not joking, I have witnesses. I would take a picture of the speedometer but I felt living was a little more important. What a rush. After I hit 150, I stomped on the brakes for a good 15 seconds and we slowed down, phew I thought down to 70mph. I looked at the speedo and I was still going 120. crazy. Later when my friend drove, she hit 120, but was pulled over by a state trooper going 102. For some reason she didn't like that state,hmm wonder why. If you are trying to be edgy or sophisticated, you would NEVER put a rodeo cowboy as your state's logo no?

Colorado: Home of Denver, where a lot of people go for the best mountains to ski in America.

 Coors Brewery: This is how Coors gets it's pure Rocky mountain water, and finds a way to get people drunk and puke nationwide. It all starts here. Btw, I washed my hands in the water input river for fun, let me know how your Coors tastes.

 Packaging area.

 New Mexico: This is when the temperature started to get hot.  And for those who aren't ignorant, this is how weather gets tempermental. When you have a cold front approaching a really hot area, things like Thunderstorms, lightning, Tornadoes, downpours happen. In this case, we got a really crazy experience.  We were driving and it was 90 degrees, then suddenly we see a HUGE black cloud on our way to Alburquque. As we drove we saw miles of lightening, then SUDDENLY we see this:  What's all this ice all the sudden? And why is it so bumpy?

HAIL - We JUST missed a major hailstorm by 5 minutes.  If we drove 5 minutes faster we would have been in the middle of it. For those who don't know what hail is, it is ICE that falls from the sky.  In this case, it was the size of marbles. Now I know some of you like snow, but when you have ice that falls from miles above at huge speeds, it does a LOT of damage.  A lot of cars were on the side of the road w/ their windshields cracked and hoods bent because of all the damage. Hail occurs during violent storms, where the wind takes the raindrops back up in the atmosphere where it is cold, and freezes, comes back down, gains moisture, then may be taken back up again freezes, where it gets bigger and bigger. Sometimes hail is the size of softballs, but luckily that didn't happen this time. That was pretty impressive. It kind of reminds me of girls. Some are as nice as snowflakes and gentle. And sometimes you got slammed hard by Mamasitas and other ice cold large behemouths.

New Mexico: I thought in Mexico kids played in the dirt. But in NEW Mexico, umm they still play in dirt. We passed an elementary school and the only difference between the schoolyard and a construction site, was that the schoolyard had swings on it. There was no concrete, grass or anything. Here is a Space Museum we passed by. Notice the rocket in the back of the regular transportation here. You would think they would invent cars, or McDonald's around here.

Arizona: This is one of the fastest growing regions of America, the Southwest. Phoenix (and Scottsdale) particularly. Apparently people enjoy running towards Sun and beauty (kind of like the old Baywatch).

Petrified Forest - Millions and I mean like over 200 million years ago, instead of a desert, Arizona was once a jungle swampland. For some unknown reason, some devestation caused thousands and thousands of tree to fall into the river and got carried to the seabed. The logs fell to the bottom where minerals were absorbed by the wood. The logs laid dormant for millions of years until they were exposed by either weather patterns or geological shifts in the earth's plates. These minerals crystalized. Now these logs are no longer wood, but beautiful crystals. Over the years, people have came and used dynamite to blow up these logs and destroy the once beautiful forest for souvenirs. Lucky it's now a National Park where it's illegal to do so.

 We bought our souvenirs, LEGALLY.

On the right is the WigWam Motel. These are TeePees where you can actually stay the night, w/ all the modern conviences. It has electricity, TV, Air Conditioning, windows etc. etc. pretty cool.

Grand Canyon: I've said it before I'll say it again. There is no way a picture can show the depth of it's magnificancy. It is so big, it can fit 2 Mamasitas ( and her clothes).

 Driving: Ok, here's a quick sketch of what happens when you drive in the desert a lot. Notice, I am wearing a grey t-shirt, and green shorts. The white is the car structure. When you drive a lot, you are exposured thru sun in the windows. Your thigh is protected by your shorts, and your shins are protected by socks and the bottom of the dash. However, your KNEE is exposed to the sun after driving for hours. As a result you have........

Burnt Knees: How am I going to explain this to California girls I meet? "uhhh, I don't know how to tan, can you show me?" or "I am a World Cup star it's just bruises from practicing so much". Ok, NOT sexy at all. How stupid do I look? I have better luck winning a drag queen contest..... oh wait.

 Nevada

Las Vegas, need I say more?  Gambling, attractions, shows, food. Party capital of the world.
When I was in Vegas, I did something stupid really dumb dumb and oh yea stupid.  I went to wash my shorts in the laundry.  When I took it out, I noticed my shorts were heavy.  Well that's because I washed my camera.  I'm as dumb as an idiot that pulls his pants down to count to 11. Well there goes the rest of the pictures. I had to get the last ones from friends.

California: WEEEE.  When driving thru Mojave Desert Death Valley the Temperature went from 127 degrees down to 76 by the time we hit LA.  Here is my friend sitting down at Santa Monica Promenade, and got his fortune read by a psychic Cat for $2. Haha what a loser. Taking orders from a pus*y, tsk tsk. Look at the passerbys staring and laughing.

Has anyone ever been to LePrive?  If you see a guy just sitting there by himself at a table don't run.  I just don't know anyone haha. Actually a couple of us went but it was really crowded, and we didnt like having a table at the back so we left. One day.

Things to note when you explore. There is soooo much to see, and so little time. So many nice people and so many bad ones. When you travel it makes you think a lot. Don't complain in life, do something about it. Be nice to people (even the ugly ones), I found out they have feelings too (jk).  Try something new. Try a new job. If you see a cute guy w/ a wonderfully cheeky Xanga, ladies you should go hang out w/ him.

Ok so now that I'm trying out to see if it's fun or not, I will try some new things. like errr be nice to people, learn to be fake like them, dye my hair blonde?  I want to play guitar.  Oh I passed this cute little airport.  Anybody interested in taking flying lessons? Somebody teach me what's fun in LA

Coming next:  hmm future Weezguy adventures. Suggestions?  I may write about some serious bad stuff happening in the economy, or on a lighter note.... observations of stupid people.

Weezguy's World Tour:  West Coast girls vs East Coast so far

(are you bored? dead end job? where/who should I visit next? suggestions?)

This isn't an article, so let's not get cranky shall we? The world has so much to offer; too bad people bicker over little things.  Ok, after traveling between Las Vegas to Los Angeles, one must stop and smell the roses. Actually in this case, the Mojave Desert is in between soooo ummm there are NO roses.  However, there are a lot of Cacti.  That's right folks I drove thru the desert like Moses led the Jews (actually they walked). Death Valley in California reached temperatures as high as 118 degrees F. (btw an easy way to convert degrees centigrade to Fahrenheit, is to multiply the temperature C by 2, and add 30).     Anyways.....

Driving thru the desert at 100mph isn't as fun as it sounds. There are STILL CHiPs (California Highway Patrol) watching. And..... get this.  At 118 degrees, it's COOLER in a car w/ the windows rolled up (w/o A/C) than w/ the windows rolled down. Why?  Imagine going 100mph, w/ 118 degree wind heat going into your face. It's like a fat girl sitting on your neck, then decides to fart, Except the fart is as hot as a Hair Dryer that blows into your face and Won't turn off. 

Man, you people in the California are lucky.  There are more WALMARTS than good looking people (We don't' have Walmart's in NYC). And if you're lucky, you may run into a Walmart SUPERCENTER. Whoa!  That's like finding big boobs that are natural (errr I mean, that have not been augmented).  And omg, you people are TOO spoiled. A 1/2 gallon of orange juice is $2.35 vs. $4 in Manhattan. Frozen TV dinners are like $1.59 vs $3.89. They also sell alcohol!!  Are you kidding me?  Getting drunk at a discount? The same bottles I pay $20 for in an Indian Liquor store I can buy for $7 at Walmart.  I can get drunk for like 3 FRIGGIN DOLLARS.  No wonder everyone here is so nice and mellow.  Cuz you guys are so drunk and inebriated that terrorists don't even consider it a challenge. Think about it? How many guys would brag about scoring w/ a hooker?

People in California are SOOOOOO nice. I swear if a Cali girl comes to NY she may actually volunteer to be raped and not even know it.   An old lady held the door for ME.  And when I stared in disbelief, she tried to use sign language gesturing me to go ahead thinking that perhaps I didn't speak engRish. Well I wasn't going to waste her efforts, I let her hold that door open for me (jk). People tell me that altho they are nice, a lot of California people are fake. Is that true? Whether it is true or not, it does NOT matter. Now, when you are starved for 3 days, I don't care, ANYTHING tastes delicious. That Taco Bell Chalupa tastes delicious. That's right folks, after fighting or scraping for every WonTon or Mandoo for years, I decided....  I rather have FAKE nice, than genuine (or REAL) mean. Don't keep it real, keep it nice.

Think about it, it's 70-80 degrees sunny ALL year long. There is no subway where people are packed into tight closets w/ 30 different types of minorities resulting in 30 different types of ethnic farts. People wear short sleeves, not rain coats, or 5 layers of clothing. And that's because of the nice weather not because you want to hide the ugly.  People have convertibles, where as in NYC it is VERY common to not have a driver's license at all and have to walk everywhere (our whole world is a Starbucks on every corner).  You go to the beaches and you will find bikinis, NOT condoms. Rent for a decent 1 bedroom is only $1500/month and you can even park your car for free,  vs spending $1800 for a studio the size of a minivan, and another $400/month to park that minivan. There aren't any pigeons on top of the entrance to the subway tunnel ready to play bomb the passengers. Every kid actually has their own room, so there's less fighting. And you don't have to smell urine everyday on the way to work. It doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out, they're not mean, they're just spoiled. And I'm jealous.

  Contrary to what people say, California girls are NOT prettier.  They're not uglier either. It's the same ratio. Although I admit, the girls seem to take care of their bodies better because you're always wearing short sleeves and skirts. Here's an EASY way to estimate.  The next time you go outside, look at the first 20 strangers you see. How many do you actually consider good looking?  I did this challenge and on AVERAGE I came up w/ 2 per 20. First you have the regular ugly (well not good looking, but not hideous), then you have the ones that could be avg but are so fat it's distorted, old people ruin the average too, and then you have FOBs that are could be's but aren't.  So I think about 2 per 20 on avg or 10%.  Compare this to any other city or country you go to. And usually it will be around that ratio. Don't confuse this w/ clubbing, where only young people go, so there's no Social Security earners there. Girls will put effort, put the makeup, tight outfit, smile more, So that increases the # of good looking people vs the park where ur married and let yourself go. So the % will actually INCREASE to maybe 14%.

Hmmm I"m thinking of renting a place in LA so I can get breast augmen.....  I mean, be as tan as a grilled Chalupa. What neighborhoods do you guys recommend?  Orange County?  Pasadena? Santa Monica? If anybody else wants to join Weezy's World tour let me know this summer. Shall I go North or Eastwards? I will try LA this summer for a bit. Somebody tell me where are the good spots to hang out, and not just LA.

Lyrics (at time of writing)
California Girls
Beach Boys  hit #3 in July 1965, this song is in the Rock and Roll Hall of fame's 500 songs that shaped Rock and Rolls list (Summer Days and Summer nights album)

edit: Thanks so much to all of you who came to support me. At least you got in for free   I'm so sorry. They decided to cancel the lingerie show because there were only 2 other girls competing (so I would have def won heh). So I packed my stuff away behind the counter. Then at 2:30am the emcee decide to go ahead w/ it w/o telling the promoters so I only got like 5 minutes notice. Instead of lingerie they just called girls who can dance to come up, and of course it takes them 2 minutes to jump up there. No way I could put on my wig, boobs, take my pants off, makeup etc. etc. in 5 minutes to make it. Well some of you got a glimpse under my jeans hehe.. Besides at that point my garter belts were itchy the crap out of me under the jeans.  Again, thank you to those who came.  Los angeles next.  Who's around?

Two Big Annoucements:  Sat Swerve Party, and Sunday watch me in the Lingerie Show.

1. Saturday May 27:  Swerve Party at Pachita. (Mixed Crowd party).  http://www.swervenyc.com  Make sure you come.

2. Sunday May 28: AccessNightlife Party at Duvet: Lingerie Show

One of the guys from Access called me and asked me to participate in the Lingerie Show. Errr, I like lingerie and all, but NOT on me. So after some convincing, I decided what the heck, only Weezguy has the balls (bad pun) to pull this off.  So I bought some simple things. I mean you still need quality right?

1.   Victoria's Secret Panty

2.   Garter Belt: I figured black is more scandalous

3. Payless shoes: I didn't know there were so many big women sizes.

edit: it's a LOT harder to shop for women's stuff when people stare as you try on brassieres, and the garter belt. The saleslady give you a dirty look, and secrutity was watching me (pervs).

So come out Sunday and cheer me on. I guess err pictures to follow.

 www.accessnightlife.com

 And don't forget Weezguy's Summer World Tour

Barry White:ultimate lovers

Weezguy's Guide to Summer and World Tour (everyone's invited)

Every year after the snow has melted, and the unpalatable allergy season tapers off, we are left with months and months of the warm (or painfully) HOT season. Typically, this is demonstrated by the millions of students who get to prance about free from the shackles of homework, or the poor cubicle worker who decides to cash in on some of their 2 weeks of vacation time a year (that's right college students, enjoy school while you can, you go from months off to 2 measly stinking weeks).

What do people do? Girls diet, starve and vomit themselves like crazy in order to look good in a bikini and a tan, while rice boys steal wax that would otherwise be used for a girl's bikini area to polish their Civic, RSX, Scion, or emmm, dad's minivan so they can cruise around the blvd looking cool even though nobody can recognize them w/ their doo rag on.  That's right be cherubs, summer is approaching, and what will YOU be doing? Take on the warm weather and try to find a loving mate so you can fornicate together? Take on a summer job at Walmart, so you can pay your credit card bills? Lie on the beach like the fat tub or lard that you are and subjectively roast your skin like a fireplace? Most likely try to take off as much time off of work as possible, taking 2 hour lunches, and leaving at 4:30 instead  of 5?  How about the truth? You can't afford the funds or time to take a whole summer in another country so you write on Xanga about how much your summer sucks.

Fear NOT fellow Xangans. Why don't you buy a ticket to ....... (drum roll please) ....

Weezguy's Summer World Tour

That's right suckers and umm sucklettes.  Instead of spending the whole summer deciding where to go, I have a brilliant idea. How about you stay HOME and let Weezguy come to YOU.  That's right! For $99 you can have Weezguy visit you! (haha  j/k).  Although it's just a glimmer of an idea,  I was thinking instead of studying abroad, I would like to study broads (ladies). Ok bad pun.  But anyways, I was thinking of getting an old car and driving around the whole country (with laptop of course).  Whatever big city, or quaint (cruddy) town you live in,  I can stop by and check it out. Who knows? this may take a couple of months, but just me know where your located at, I'll just visit cities, hick towns, national monuments, battlefields, tourist attractions, bars, clubs, deserts, or even say hi to the local hoe.  Have bad teeth? Who cares? I'll still visit (as long as you have hot friends). Have no money? That's fine, we'll visit the Trailer Park. Or optionally, if you have a week to spare, fly down to wherever I am, I'll pick you up at the closest airport, and whenever you're ready to go, you can fly out of the closest airport to go home (but if your boring I'll leave you on the side of the road).  Is it fun? Check out my previous cross country tour. Click here http://www.xanga.com/home.aspx?user=weezguy&nextdate=10%2f20%2f2004+23%3a59%3a59.999

Now, am I serious? Maybe, but it's a Definite possibility.  Maybe i"ll update my Xanga like the way 95% of other people do, and tell you guys where I am, and my exploits.  Should I take the northern route or the southern?  Should I visit the world's largest ball of yarn?  Mt Rushmore? Salt Lake? Test the non speed limit of Montana? Anybody want to take the BMW M driving school?  See how hot the desert is like? Try the tallest roller coast in the world? How about the biggest mall in the world?  Ideas Ideas. It's almost unlimited. Well then again I wish thinking of trying Australia for a while too. Are there any cities or sites that you guys always wanted to see but couldn't? I'll see it for you. Wanna check out a hot girl that you haven't seen for a while? Fine fine, Weezy's will do this favor but I can't deny possible consequences .  Better yet, why don't some of you just join me this summer in Weezguy's Summer World tour escapade?  Guaranteed lots of fun. We'll stay at the nicest (or when money is low) crappiest hotels, errr or Motels. We'll go partying or get drunk in every town. Spread culture or get beat up. Take lots of pictures. Shall I attempt every state? Make new friends? or just plain make out? Well if there's enough interest let me know. Now IF I do this, and you guys want to come, make sure you are nice. I can't stand mean bitchy people, or incompetent people (unless you're hot) then maybe you are good for 100 miles. Los Angeles, San Fran, Texas, Vancouver, Seattle, Atlanta, Chicago, errr DesMoines? Here I come.

Let me know what you think.  Want to come? Want me to visit?  Want me to get something/someone for you? My services are limited. Reserve YOUR Weezguy today.

How to become a millionaire. And who wants Free Xanga Premium (read to find out how)?

edit:  Congrats christiegl for being the first to answer correctly and free xanga premium   answer on the bottom

Due to the impending approach of the dreaded April 15th income tax filing, Weezguy will bestow upon you......... something other than sex or relationships. What could be more sexy than a hot looking person w/ an awesome personality? (pause 10 seconds).....  That's right, a rich hot looking person w/ an awesome personality. Well I'm going to depress you guys and see how hard it is. Remember, this is just an example, don't come complaining to weezy if the following scenario is not you, everyone is different.

Everyone wants to be a millionaire right? What does it take to make a million? I mean some people don't care too much, but if you won a lottery ticket, you're not going to say no right?  So let's see,  what do you guys consider a fairly decent annual salary? $50,000?  $100,000? $200,000? $500,000? Ok, ok, let's pick something that's "fairly" attainable.  And when I say that I mean, a salary that a bright individual can obtain if they work really hard, since not everyone is an entrepreneur or movie star.  How about a 1/4 million dollars? ($250,000 for you brain dead individuals).  That comes out to roughly $120/hour (based on 9-5 Mon-Fri).

Since the majority of my readers are in big cities such as NYC, LA, SF etc. we will take the big city lifestyle as an example: If you make $250,000 a year you will have to pay:
roughly 33% in federal taxes or $83,333.33.
10% in local taxes (9% in CA, 7% in NY state and 4% for NYC, so 10% avg) or $25,000.
So, $250,000 - $83,333.33 - $25,000 =  $141,666 after taxes.

Rent:  If you make $250,000/year, you have to at LEAST have a decent place to live. In Manhattan a 500sq ft studio or a nice apt in LA is at least $2000/month. (I know you can purchase, but to simplify the down payment, and rental while you save for it, I'm just going to use the rental example. It will be near the same in the short term anyways). So, $2000 x 12 months is $24,000 / year.  That leaves us with $117,666.

Transportation: If you own a car, the national avg is 12,000 miles/year. So you will have to add, fuel, insurance, oil changes (maintenance), lease or car payments etc. or maybe about $7500 (give or take depending on your type of car).  If you live in Manhattan this is canceled out by, higher rent, subway/bus fares, taxis, cost of living etc.  So.... $117,666 - 7500 = $110,166 left.

Food:  Say, $5/breakfast, $10/lunch, $20/dinner (sometimes you pay more when you go to nice restaurant, and less when you eat at home, so we'll just avg it out, this is not including snacks you eat throughout the day)  $35/day x 365 = $12,775.  Now, $110,166-$12,775 = $97391.

Utilities and rest of living expenses:  Little things like oh I dunno,  gas/electric,phone/mobile bill, cable, Internet, health care, water. Simplify say about $400/month (remember a swinging bachelor/rette, doesn't need room mates). $4800/year.  $97,391 - 4800 = $92,591

Phew, now that we looked at all the "basic" living expenses, does anyone just pay the bills and just stay home every night of every week? Of course not. You want to buy clothes right? Movies?  Mall shopping for gadgets, fashion, shoes? Clubbing (Now, I KNOW some of you guys do)  Drunk bar hopping?  Paying expenses dinners to take that hot slutty girl out?  Furniture?  Gym membership?  Oh gosh I don't even know where to start.  This can range anywhere from $50 - $500/week.  Yup, sometimes you may have a big bday party you have to attend, or have that binge to buy a plasma tv one week.  It all depends on your lifestyle. So let's say $250/week  (I know some girls spend more than that on a bag). 250x52 weeks is $13,000.   $92,591 - $13,000 = $79,591.

$79,591? Wow, that's pretty good if you saved that much. Some people can't even afford to scrounge up money for 99 cent nuggets at Wendy's.  And this is ASSUMING you will actually save it. Some people will save more of course, and some will save NOTHING. But this is just some type of guideline. 

Ok, to make 1 million dollars, divide $1 million by $79,591 = 12.56 YEARS.  That's right folks. Now, everyone out there who says, yea, one day I'll be rich.  Are you making $250,000/year?  Are you making at LEAST $120 an hour?  If you are, great, you can laugh at the Taco Bell manager who thinks his career is advancing.  If you're not depressed yet, don't worry I have more bad news. There's inflation. The avg car 12.5 years ago was about $17,000, where nowadays it's about $23,000. What does this mean? What you can buy for 1 million dollars today (maybe a nice house?) may not be the same 12.5 years later. That 1 million dollar house could  cost you 2 million by that time. awww. sux huh?  Let's calculate the Future Value of 1 million dollars in 12.5 years.

Accounting Geeks Unite (haha j/k, please never never put more than one of them in a single area, less you like counting sand)

Future Value = Present Value * (1+interest) to the # of years power
At say 5% interest, in 12.5 years it is
Future Value of 1million dollars today =  $1,000,000 * (1.05) to the 12.5th power.
   =  1,000,000 *  1.840205136
   =  $1,840,205.13

That's right folks. In order to make ONE million dollars in today's dollars, you need to make over $1.8 million dollars in 2018, to be considered a millionaire in today's standards. Are you depressed yet?  Still think $250,000 is considered a good salary?  At that rate, maybe it'll take you 20 years.  Let's say you graduated college.  What % of college graduates makes anywhere close to $250,000? What % of old ass people make anywhere close to that? And say if you do make that much, You'll take 20 years and be in your 40s just to make 1 million. And of course when people say they want to be rich, they didn't say they wanted only 1 million right?  We're all going to die broke.   Yea you probably need closer to make $230/hour or 1/2 milllion.  <sigh>    Well, if you're not making it, I inspire you to do some about it (legit of course).

And just when you think it can't get worse...... Once you get married and have children and extra mouths to feed.......  all these calculations go out the door. Yup that kid will literally eat you out of the house (hopefully you dont have a fat baby). Think about it, multiply the yearly food, clothes, education (college), by the # of extra mouths you have to feed.  Dreams? OVER.

Well I'm glad I enlightened you, and depressed many others.  On a brighter note. Who wants FREE Xanga Premium?  If the first person can answer this question correctly I will gift them Xanga Premium:

Why is it better to owe the IRS taxes on April 15th, instead of stupidly be happy to receive a income tax return?  Finance or accounting majors have an advantage here, but it's common sense.     (Free Xanga Premium at stake here)

edit: answer.  Looks like a lot of my Xanga readers are smart (who'd figure?). Yes, if you get a refund, it's like giving the govt an interest free loan. Best way is example:

We'll use really easy round #s (theoretical). Say you make 100,000 a year and are in the 30% tax bracket. You owe 30,000/year in taxes.

A.  For some reason, you said you had 28 kids and dependents, so the gov't only took out, like $10,000 out of your paycheck total. You owe $20,000 on April 15.

B. You are a swinging bachelor, and got over taxed $40,000, so at the end of the year, they refund you $10,000.

If you got overtaxed like scenario B, the gov't took your extra $10,000 and all you did was get refunded. No interest, nothing. However, if you were in sceario A, you had the extra $20,000. You could have used it to put into a savings account, and collect interest. Or pay off those 20% credit cards etc. By April 15, take out that extra 20k (that you collected interest on) and give the gov't back its money.  See? it's better to take the money, use it, then give it back to them. You pay $30,000 either way. Just don't be an idiot and spend it all, then be like errr I dunno what happened to it.  Be smart, not a dumbass like those people who are happy to get a refund. It was your money to begin with, you're not getting extra.

Who are some of your favourite Xangas ?

You know, there are LOADS of Xangas out there, just like there are loads of people. But out of the over 6 billion people out there, how many of them are ugly? That's right, there are 5.9 billion ugly people out there, just like there are 98% boring, lame, stale, stupid Xangas out there.  So in order to find out who to stalk, errr I mean.... to find out who has interesting entries, I would like to enlist the help of others into telling me who has interesting entries. So who has really cool Xangas?

Ok, so in order to keep this entry brief, I will name say 5 Xangas, that are actually of some interest.  They have dialogue, and hopefully pictures or diagrams. If I mention you, hopefully you will like being mentioned, and hit me back w/ your 5 favourites. That way we can strip out the annoying ones out of the way

.... and here they are

5. jkim0424 - I used to see her more often. And her xanga used to have some pics and better topics. It's starting to turn stale, but at least she asks questions that people can relate to.
4. franksabunch - This dude's page is Almost as fun as mine. A guy's point of view and he is frank.  If he practices hard enough, in 10 years he can reach my level of cheekyness.
3. lichunsah - Funny, I've know this girl for 6 years? but I only get to hang out w/ her like once a year. Mainly relationship, mushy girly topics, but hey anyone can relate right?
2. dearjulie - Nice girl, too bad she imitated my DearWeezy. But I give her props for updating much more than DearWeezy does. Ask her questions, and she'll answer them.  I get to hang out w/ her when she comes to town once in a while.
1. DearWeezy - Was there any doubt? The original cheeky smart ass. Ask him any question you want, and you will get a blunt "no beat around the bush" answer.  Highly recommended

Honourable mention: iLLyuJa -  This girl is just too dorky so I laugh. Everytime I see her, she's surrounded by her countless friends. Cheers K.

Of course Weezguy's site is el primero uno: Where else can you get guides to relationships, sex, movie clips, funny halloween pix, illustrations, and the infamous Weezguy's Guide to Clubbin?  nuff said.

Give me some cool ones:   They can NOT be the following:

A. Boring -  "Today I went shopping, and I saw this really cute red sweater, I didn't have the money so I put it on hold..... blah blah blah"  omg  shut up <yawn>.
B. Food pics - "mmm yummy, this is what we ate" (followed by pictures of food). Do you really need to take pictures of your food before you eat it? How does that help anything. Does anyone take the pictures of the food a day later in the toilet AFTER you're done w/ it? I can't believe I wasted time waiting for some fun pictures to load and once it materializes, some noodles pop up.  It's like a friggin blind date, you ring the doorbell, and hope nothing ugly opens the door.
C. Picture album - Some people use their xangas as a depository of all their annoying pics. Wow, I get to see them same ugly people from all 360 degrees.  Exception: if you're hot, you are excluded from this restriction, I will be willing to look at your page.
D. Stale - You may want to consider changing your bedsheets, since obviously you haven't touched your Xanga just like you haven't touched your gf since she become old and baggy.

Who are your favourites?

edit:  this pic is for Franksabunch who claims he is more cheeky than I am. This is what I did to my butt cheek (left) after snowboarding.  Black, blue, purple, (and a hint of rosemary) bruises:

click pic if u dare

Background song (at time of writing):

Imagine by John Lennon
Released: September 1971 Chart Peak: #1 Weeks Charted: 45 Certified Gold: 10/1/71

Imagine there's no heaven,
It's easy if you try,
No hell below us,
Above us only sky,
Imagine all the people
living for today...

Imagine there's no countries,
It isnt hard to do,
Nothing to kill or die for,
No religion too,
Imagine all the people
living life in peace...

Imagine no possesions,
I wonder if you can,
No need for greed or hunger,
A brotherhood of man,
Imagine all the people
Sharing all the world...

You may say Im a dreamer,
but Im not the only one,
I hope some day you'll join us,
And the world will live as one.

I'd like to say thank you and apologize for the long line. Apparently they had another party, so by the time midnight came the place was packed room capacity. Thank you so much for those who came, (and for those who didn't' feel like waiting on line). I met some fun people, and thanx for the drinks, I drank a LOT. Hangover?  Well it's 10:41am, and I'm writing this, what do you think?  hehe. But most importantly thanx for coming out.   Weezguy is flattered. Sorry the place had some ugly people, they always seem to get in the way.

Thx for the bday dinner too. My friends took me to..............................   McDonald's. (don't ask me why, circumstances prevailed) Instead of a bday cake, we shared McApple Pies  (2 for $1).

Weezy's Vday Bday - Everyone's invited

Yea, it's that time of the year again <YAWN>.  My friends and I are going to have a Bday celebration at TAJ, 48 W 21st (6th ave) Manhattan NY  Friday the 10th of Feb.  This is an open Evite so everyone is invited. Just view the evite,  and on the left side click Invite More People and add your email to the list.  It's free for everyone, just mention Weezguy's Bday (or jeff), and you get in free.

Bring friends if you want, I want everyone to feel comfortable and have fun.  Im sarcastic, but friendly. Oh and buy me a drink.  Then drunkenly come on to me, haha. Oh wait, I guess guys can come too (but not on to me). There's a dance floor too, so you can hide in the darkness if ur shy (or ugly). Find me, and I'll introduce you to others.

http://www.evite.com/pages/invite/viewInvite.jsp?event=FJMGGEWARLPKEGFVTNUO&inviteId=QZPHMZLRTLJGQYQTTPZX&showPreview=false&x=890931646

let me know if the Link works, everyone knows evite. Are you hip or square, get w/ the program.

edit2: reason for this background song can be read above the lyrics

edit: Guide to Clubbin: in order to make it easier to read i put Part 1 & 2 together. If you want to copy please give me credit and link back to this site

Weezguy's How-to guide to Clubbin' (discotheques) Part_1

Ok guys, it has been a while since I wrote an article, so I thought I'd treat you wannabe's to another delightful entry. Background: Ever since the dawn of time, social events (especially those that facilitate the meeting of the other sex) have been quite popular. What innocently started as town meetings have evolved w/ music, dancing, liquor and more recently artificial substances.  For those who have (or who have never) went to a dance club this guide is for YOU.  It is so complicated now, that you damn well need the proper training.

Clothing: HOT.  We're going partying and perhaps meeting people not a funeral. You want to look your best, show class (and ass). Now different clubs around the country have different dress codes. Wear what is appropriate, but nicer. You want to stand out cuz you look F-I-N-E fine. Not cuz you look like a Napoleon Dynamite dork. Guys wear a nice shirt, fix your hair, and for god sakes put some cologne on (but dont bathe in it). Brush your gold teeth, buy some mints. Girls, if you got the body wear some sexy outfits. But remember, you will attract what you wear. Skank out if you wish, but don't' come crying to Weezy if you get used like a mini-tampon on a heavy flow day. Fat girls? umm.................... wear a loose dress, (like a shower curtain) it should cover everything.

Preparation: Never use a fake ID, they are too easy to spot (especially w/ those card readers now). Borrow a driver's license. MEMORIZE your bday and address on it. How stupid is it when a bouncer asks what your birthday is, and your'e like errrr I dunno.  Ok good bye.  Underage people sometimes need to either learn not to shave, or wear super heavy makeup (I do not endorse anything here btw). Stop looking nervous. It's a club, not a rectal exam.

  Remember, if you can't get in for whatever reason you can always bribe the bouncer. Just do it smoothly (like you want to cut the line) or for whatever reason.

Ok remember these lines when you get ready to party: And repeat it 3 times like a parrot:
Guys go to find chicks
Girls go to "have fun"

Now, why is this so? Cuz girls friggin always seem to have a good time. They don't need to meet guys to have fun.  Girls can dance w/ each other, hold hands, kiss each other, get free drinks, get hit on all night. They get to do whatever they want, and it's considered HOT.  Guys on the other hand have no choice. What would you think if you heard 2 guys talking like girls?

Joe "Yo John"
John: "Sup Bro"
Joe "It's Friday, I'm so stressed, I need to dance yo"
John "Werd, me too, my body is so tense I'm gonna explode if I don't get down"

OMG, can we say G-A-Y  GAY? How bad does it look to see 4 guys dancing in a circle just smiling all night long? Or holding hands? This is exactly why the only legitimate reason for a straight guy to go clubbin is to MEET GIRLS.  Why do girls go to "have fun"? Cuz they get hit on all the time like a pinata that they dont' need to go to meet guys.  I'll tell you one thing tho:  IF YOU ARE AN UGLY GIRL, you may not say it, but you are there to hopefully meet a nice guy. Hot girls get hit on at clubs, at school, on the bus, at church, in the crib, on Friendster on Xanga, they are so sick of it. That's why they go to "have fun and dance". But if some cute guy comes along, they may give him a chance.

So what does this mean? Well once you understand the mentality of the clubbers you will now know why they act the way they do.

  Now this is exactly what a typical club floorplan looks like.  First of all notice the ratio is like 7-1 BLUE/RED (Guy/Girl).  The girls are dancing together in their stupid Fobby Circle, while a bunch of daring guys are on the outside dancing trying to get in.  Most of the guys are on the OUTSIDE of the dance floor staring, trying to look cool. In this scenario, NOBODY looks cool, so give it up ok? Guys always complain, I can't find a girl. Well cuz there's like a 7-1 ratio stupid. Girls always complain, how can I meet a cute guy? Well if you seperate yourself out of your fobby circle and go to the bar area, there are more guys there than fobs who can speak good EngRish.

 MaMasita:  To the left is a Close up of the dance floor. What some people don't know, is that within every group of girls is some type of Cockblocker called a Mamasita.  She is the size of the Great Wall of China and there is no way to go around her. Guys are in no way able to get to the skinny girls unless MaMasita is taken care of. This is where the WingMan comes in. Friends take turns being the "designated driver" and take turns occupying MaMasita (otherwise known as "taking one for the team") so that the other guy can bypass security.  If MaMasita is unusually big (which more times than not is the case) open a big tab and buy her some 151s to take her out.

Sneak Attack:  Girls absolutely hate this. Sometimes it's Guerilla warfare and despite the best efforts of girls to holds hands and protect each other, some A**hole will come out of the woodwork like a silent fart and catch you by surprise. He'll come and suddenly put his arms around her waist. Gasp. Who the hell is that? She will make faces to her friends to ascertain if the guy is cute or not. If he is cute, the other girls will give her the thumbs up, but 99 3/4% of the time, the girls will either pull her away, or MaMasita will come and sit on him.

 Bitch: Yea, some girls (especially in NYC) have such an attitude. They are hot, and they know it. She gives you the finger no matter how nice you are. Once I saw a guy give a girl his business card. She tore it up right in the middle of the dance floor in front of him. I swear there are some stupid guys and some ass hole guys, but that's just wrong. If you got game perhaps you can win them over, but guys can be victims too.

  Jealousy: Sometimes you have a couple of girls in a group. In the beginning the short fat girl is like, it's all find and dandy. But after like the 374th time u go clubbing she finallly gets fed up. "stupid blonde bitch gets all the attention" and secretly plots her downfall. The final straw is when the short fat ugly girl talks to a guy she likes, who suddenly sees her blonde hot friend and leaves her to join the crowd who surrounds the hot chick. A screaming match ensures followed by hair pulling, screaming and other less than ladylike personality traits. Next time u go clubbin, for once, look at thehot girl's friend and you will see a polite smile, while rage is being built underneath. Eventually she resorts to online dating

Sucker: One no no, which I myself have got caught a couple of times. Never never get suckered into buying a group of girls some drinks unless they are friends or it's going somewhere. Many girls don't' want to pay for anything including cover charge or drink. They stand next to the bar looking all hot waiting for some unsuspecting fool to talk to them. They will be unusually friendly, and before you know it they suggest a round of drinks. Usually it's some worthless weak ass drink like Apple Martini, Malibu Pineapple, some other fruity fruit punch cost $10 kool aid drink. As soon as you get suckered into it, they take their smiling faces (and drinks) away. Well at least you made someone happy for 5 minutes. Too bad it isn't you. Say bye to $40

There are only 2 things that you can do in a club, and you better be good at one of them.
1. Dance Well: girls like a guy who can dance, and show how smooth he is. If you can't dance, learn dammit.
2.Talk/Drink:  If you can't dance, than you better be able to hold your liquor and know how to talk. Think about it, you're in a DANCE club. If you can't dance, you better charm the knickers off the girl. Which means, DON'T GET DRUNK. Sure it's fun when ur buzzed, but nobody likes a drunk. Some guys start to slobber, or say something stupid. While drunk girls vomit and pass out.  This is a lose/lose situation. So hold your liquor but most importantly be entertaining. But dont' drink.

Remember, clubbing can be fun but also dangerous. There are fights all the time. Best thing is to stay clear.  The last thing you need is a bunch of stupid young punks w/ a chip on their shoulder to start trouble. As I always say, I'm a lover not a fighter.  Don't be surprised if a hot girl already has a guy. If she is taken, say sorry and just leave. You don't want a beer bottle broken on top of you head when you're not looking.

There are probably a few dozen more things you need to know. But the main purpose is to have fun. We don't need drama. Whether you like Hip Hop, Trance, Salsa, or Square Dancing I dont' care. Just have fun and tell them Weezy sent ya. If you need help talking to the opposite sex, read my What Women Want and What Guys Want series (look thru my older posts)

If you have any more suggestions, just add them and subscribe. And umm would anyone dance w/ me?   puhrrreeeeezzzz?

Weezguy's Guide to Clubbing PART TWO (2)

Yes folks. Based on the VERY popular Weezguy's Guide to Clubbin (discotheques) part 1, you screamed MORE MORE MORE.  Well here it is. This time, if you're going to steal my entry, give me credit please.  If you have NOT read part 1,PLEASE PLEASE click here FIRST before you continue: http://www.xanga.com/home.aspx?user=weezguy&nextdate=7%2f11%2f2005+23%3a59%3a59.999

Ok, so you think you know how to go Clubbing right? You think you're so cool w/ your button down shirt, and low rise butt crack showing jeans right?. You've bribed the bouncer to let you in even though your under aged. You think you're so swift. You got someone else to buy you drinks at the bar since you don't have ID. You think you're as smooth as a bowel movement consisting of a diet of meat, potatoes and no veggies right? You've practiced Dance Dance Revolution on your PS2 for 583.23 hours, so you're going to show them your moves right? You've read Weezguy's Guide to Clubbing Part 1, and NOW YOU ARE READY TO HIT THE CLUBS RIGHT?!!!!!.....Nigga pleas..  Welcome to Part 2.

Characters:

This is your typical Joe Schmo. He thinks he's cool when he's actually some typical beer drinking, avg height doof that wants to hook up w/ some chick.

Here is your typical girl. She's been to clubs before, and goes just to have fun. A typical girl usually looks better at night, so she's going to use it to her advantage. Tight skirts, makeup, high heels, she wants to dance, flirt, drink. She not going there to hook up, but she hopes a hot guy comes to her. She never plans to get drunk.

 Here she is folks. Bigger and umm well BIGGER than ever. You're favorite character, the CockBlocker Mamasita. If you haven't read part 1, read it NOW. She Big, She Bad, She Hungry, and yes, she Blocks Cock. Look at her dance. You don't need big speakers in a club when she's there, she causes her own shockwaves. Look at her booby's shake. She produces more milk than all the cows in Holland.

In order to keep and restore order, clubs have Bouncers. Usually they are very big (but of course only a fraction the size of MaMaSita) in order to take care of trouble makers. They are usually bored of clubs since they work there every damn day. Their only source of entertainment is if some girls start dancing for them. Be good to them, they are usually good guys, and drink a lot of Milk.

This is the center attention at the club. She is Hot, she is blonde, she has big breasts. All the guys want her. All the girls envy her. MaMasitas protect her. Usually throughout the course of the night, whatever actions she decides to follow will have consequences she doesn't understand herself.  She is spoiled, she gets free drinks, she has an attitude, she can wear a potato sack and still look hot. Fights usually breakout because of her. If you are ever bored, hang out w/ her.

The Approach:  Now this is what a typical club entrance looks like from the outside. Notice, there is a LONG line of horny guys waiting 2 hours to get in. Meanwhile, the bouncers just let the girls inside first. Look at the girls enjoying themselves inside while the guys wait outside in the rain/snow/hail/hurricane. Guys, if you wish to get into a club, come w/ a LOT of girls. I don't care if it's your girlfriend, friend, sister, MaMasita or the foreign exchange student Padu that don't speak english. It's a LOT easier to get in w/ a girl. If you don't have any girl friends, take your 15 yr old sister, dress her up like a skank, add mom's makeup so she looks old enough. Go to the front, slip the bouncer $40, and he'll let you in. (Weez does not condone this action, altho I have seen it done). Why is this done? Because whether or not it is displayed, it's always Ladies Night. And even that isnt' good enough to bring them in.

Think about it.... Have you EVER seen "Tonight is GUY's Nite" advertised? It's bad enough I see 7 guys in a row for every girl, now I get to see the ones that only come when it's on sale? And you think the girls are happy? "Great, now the guys that are too cheap to pay regular price for drinks are coming" - Sadly, unless you like to sword fight w/ another guy, THERE WILL NEVER be a Guy's Nite Special.

Ok,IF you finally get inside, assess the situation. If you arrive towards the beginning, you will notice the dance floor is usually empty and there are more girls than guys.  As the evening progresses, more and more guys arrive like Mexicans across the border.This results in more consumption of alcohol. Remember, girls go there and dance, while no Heterosexual Male would be caught on the dance floor dancing w/ his guy friends. So guys tend to hang out at the bar and start drinking, mingling, convincing girls to drink w/ them etc.  Due to this unofficial progression of clubbin, I tend to want to get buzzed (NOT drunk) quick. It makes the time go faster. I like drinking shots. Why? Because unlike beer, it wont' make you bloated like a fat seal and you'll have less of a need to urinate every 10 minutes. Also, you get buzzed quicker, and you'll save $$$. Who wants to buy 5 high carb beers that make you piss all night, when you can drink one or two 151s?

Drinking is a delicate balance between getting buzzed and drunk. If you are lucky to find someone new to interact with, you must gauge they'll level of toxicity. Early in the night, they are usually sober, but getting towards the end, you do NOT want to push him/her over the edge. If the girl is boring, buy her a drink she may open up. If she is ugly and boring, who cares? Run away.

 The Drunk: This is what happens when you cheap people overindulge yourself at the open bar. Didn't Weezy tell you not to drink?  If you drink too much, you either start crying, become violent, say stupid things, start fights or pass out on the floor and start vomiting. It's a lose/lose/lose/loser situation. Yea I bet that girl is saying "oooh, that guy is so cool that he's getting thrown out by the bouncer".  Isn't it cute watching the 7' 300lbs bouncer carrying the 5'5 loser like a used tampon? Get him AWAY ewww.

 The Pullaway:  This it the #1 move at a club, so get used to it. When you go to battle w/ the MaMasita or cockblocker, at least you have a chance to spar wits, or take her out w/ drinks. But what do you do when you're talking to a girl, and her friend grabs her like the way an ugly frog snatches flies from thin air?  NOTHING. It happens so fast, it's like Bruce Lee windmill kicked you in the face, and you're left standing there trying to inhale the remnants of the perfume smell she left behind. Guerilla warfare is fast and harsh. Perhaps one of your friends can stand guard and trip her friend if she gets too close.

Darkness:  Don't you hate it when a club is soooo dark, that you accidentally talk to an ugly person?  By the time you realize the guy in this illustration looks like a platypus you are stuck thinking of 3758 reasons of how to get away. Ugly people beware: They may use lines like:

a. I need to use the Toilet  (and then they are seen on the dance floor anyway)
b. I need to find my friend (and then you see them shaking hands w/ a handsome stranger)
c. My feet hurt (and then they are seen on the dance floor anyway)
d. I don't like this music (and then they are seen on the dance floor anyway).
e. Or they can just use the above "PullAway"

Want to have fun? Make them uncomfortable as possible and "fix" their problems. Help them find their friend, wait on the line w/ them on the washroom, rub their feet, do in house karaoke, and let them dance to ur singing etc. etc.. Hey if they going to give you some lame-a** excuse, f*ck around w/ them.

 The Pimp: Every club has one of these. This guy has more chicks than KFC does on delivery day. He has money, he has charm, he has girls.... and he has herpes, and gonorrhea, and syphilis. He gets a table w/ a nice booth and couple of bottles w/ all his girls. By the end of the night he is drunk sitting by himself after the wallet is empty and the girls left him. Well at least he has a nice hat.

 The Exhibitionist: You've seen them before. These are the same girls that climb every damn stage/table/chair/pole/ladder/Toyota they can find. You put a bar, they will climb, you put a mountain, they will climb, if a guy gets aroused, they will.....  neva mind. They LOVE the attention and wear tight jeans or mini skirts just to tease the 900 guys that can't find any other girl to dance with. Sometimes they're hot, and sometimes the guys are so drunk they would still cheer even if their 50 yr old mom was on stage.  Beware of these girls, they will get free drinks all night and slut themselves around. If you don't worship them, 899 other guys will. Beware parents: if your 5 month old daughter is starting to enjoy climbing out of the crib, congrats, you have a future pole dancer in the family.

 Fight: Beware anytime you go to a place where there is a large amount of people, a fight is bound to break out. Usually it is over some skanky girl. If you see a hot girl that already has a guy, do NOT even attempt to approach her unless you want to be kicked in the face/stomach /liver/ pancreas /prostate/family jewels etc. As I said, I'm a lover not a fighter. These guys can't actually fight, they gang up. You think those short 5 foot guys can't do you any damage? Put 10 of them together and you have 50 feet of legs stomping on Mr. Willy.

 The Goal: Ahh this is what it looks like after you conquer multiple obstacles. Congrats. You have bribed the bouncer, got the bi*ch buzzed (but not drunk), misled MaMasita down the wrong trial w/ several dozen McNuggets, found her before her friends did, avoided other cockblockers like they were bounty hunters and were good looking or charming enough to win her over. Woohoo. Now you bring her to the dark corner and feel her up like you're using the last of the toothpaste out of the tube. Ahh it was soooo worth it wasn't it? Now that the game is over, put another quarter in the machine and start all over again next week. Weezy loves happy endings.  Now come to my next party.

NEXT: Weezgy's Guide to Sex part 2 (male version). Part 1 (female version can be read here): http://www.xanga.com/home.aspx?user=weezguy&nextdate=5%2f27%2f2003+23%3a59%3a59.999

Background song (at time of writing): Wild Cherry 1976

edit: a little history. Wild Cherry was more of a punk rock band, with little or no success. However due to the rising popularity of disco in the 70s, they created this song and as part of the changing times it became a discotheque sensation. To this day older couples (white and others) can be seen funking  to this and sometimes you hear pieces of it mixed in clubs nationwide. This was Wild Cherry's only hit.

Play That Funky Music

Hey…do it now…yeah hey

Yeah, once I was a boogie singer…playin' in a rock & roll band
I never had no problems, yeah…burnin' down the one night stands
And everything around me, yeah…got to start to feelin' so low
And I decided quickly [yes, I did]…to disco down and check out the show

Yeah, they were dancin' and singin' and movin' to the groovin'
And just when it hit me somebody turned around and shouted

Play that funky music white boy
Play that funky music right
Play that funky music white boy
Lay down that boogie and play that funky music till you die…
(hey,hey) till you die…yeah, yeah

Well, I tried to understand this…Yeah, huh, I thought that they were out of their minds
How could I be so foolish, [How could I]…tonight's the hours, the one behind
So still I kept on fightin'…Wow, loosin' every step of the way (Yeah, what'd you do?)
I said, "I must go back there"[Got to go back]…and check to see if things still the same

Yeah, they were dancin' and singin' and movin' to the groovin'
And just when it hit me somebody turned around and shouted

Play that funky music white boy
Play that funky music right
Play that funky music white boy
Lay down that boogie and play that funky music till you die…
Till you die…(Yeah) Wow, till you die

(Come on…Play some electrified funky music)

[Hey, wait a minute] Now first it wasn't easy…changin' rock & roll and minds
And things were getting shaky…I thought I'd have to leave it behind
Oh, but now its so much better [It's so much better]…I'm funkin out in ev-er-y way
But-I'll never lose that feelin' [No I won't]…Of how I learned my lesson that day

When they were dancin' and singin' and movin' to the groovin'
And just when it hit me somebody turned around and shouted

Play that funky music white boy
Play that funky music right
Play that funky music white boy
Lay down that boogie and play that funky music till you die…
Till you die…oh, till you die


(They shouted, Play that funky music) Play that funky music
(Play that funky music) Got to keep on…Play that funky music
(Play that funky music) Pl--AY that funky music
(Play that funky music) Wanna take ya higha now…

Play that funky music white boy
Play that funky music right, yeah

Play that funky music white boy
Play that funky music right

Play that funky music white boy
Play that funky music right, yeah

Anti-Super Bowl Party

How many people are going to a Bar, a Friend's place, or hosting a Super Bowl Party filled w/ Fat guys, poker, gambling, pizza and chicken wings?

What about the ladies, who are NOT interested in sports and have NO desire to watch the game?  Weezguy has an IDEA.  I should throw an ANTI-SuperBowl party.

Instead of SuperBowl, we'll watch a couple of seasons of Sex and the City.
Instead of Pizza and Wings, I'll whip up a souffle and bake fresh pastries and chocolates (but for u lady pigs, we can still order the pizza and wings).
Instead of Poker and gambling, we'll play Pictionary and hire a masseuse for gentle rubdowns.
Instead of live football and commercials, I'll TIVO it, and we can fast foward and see only the commercials.
Instead of being Masculine and a Jock, I'll be gay for a day (only on the outside)

While all the guys are busy being cool, eating, smoking, gambling..... I'll steal all the ladies who will come on over for all you can eat desserts, food, wine, entertainment and spa treatments. What do you think? Ladies? come on over