June 7, 2006

• Weezguy’s World Tour:  West Coast girls vs East Coast so far

  
  

  (are you bored? dead end job? where/who should I visit next? suggestions?)

  
  

  This isn’t an article, so let’s not get cranky shall we? The world has so much to offer; too bad people bicker over little things.  Ok, after traveling between Las Vegas to Los Angeles, one must stop and smell the roses. Actually in this case, the Mojave Desert is in between soooo ummm there are NO roses.  However, there are a lot of Cacti.  That’s right folks I drove thru the desert like Moses led the Jews (actually they walked). Death Valley in California reached temperatures as high as 118 degrees F. (btw an easy way to convert degrees centigrade to Fahrenheit, is to multiply the temperature C by 2, and add 30).     Anyways…..

  
  

           

  
  

  Driving thru the desert at 100mph isn’t as fun as it sounds. There are STILL CHiPs (California Highway Patrol) watching. And….. get this.  At 118 degrees, it’s COOLER in a car w/ the windows rolled up (w/o A/C) than w/ the windows rolled down. Why?  Imagine going 100mph, w/ 118 degree wind heat going into your face. It’s like a fat girl sitting on your neck, then decides to fart, Except the fart is as hot as a Hair Dryer that blows into your face and Won’t turn off. 

  
  

   

  
  

  Man, you people in the California are lucky.  There are more WALMARTS than good looking people (We don’t’ have Walmart’s in NYC). And if you’re lucky, you may run into a Walmart SUPERCENTER. Whoa!  That’s like finding big boobs that are natural (errr I mean, that have not been augmented).  And omg, you people are TOO spoiled. A 1/2 gallon of orange juice is $2.35 vs. $4 in Manhattan. Frozen TV dinners are like $1.59 vs $3.89. They also sell alcohol!!  Are you kidding me?  Getting drunk at a discount? The same bottles I pay $20 for in an Indian Liquor store I can buy for $7 at Walmart.  I can get drunk for like 3 FRIGGIN DOLLARS.  No wonder everyone here is so nice and mellow.  Cuz you guys are so drunk and inebriated that terrorists don’t even consider it a challenge. Think about it? How many guys would brag about scoring w/ a hooker?

  
  

  People in California are SOOOOOO nice. I swear if a Cali girl comes to NY she may actually volunteer to be raped and not even know it.   An old lady held the door for ME.  And when I stared in disbelief, she tried to use sign language gesturing me to go ahead thinking that perhaps I didn’t speak engRish. Well I wasn’t going to waste her efforts, I let her hold that door open for me (jk). People tell me that altho they are nice, a lot of California people are fake. Is that true? Whether it is true or not, it does NOT matter. Now, when you are starved for 3 days, I don’t care, ANYTHING tastes delicious. That Taco Bell Chalupa tastes delicious. That’s right folks, after fighting or scraping for every WonTon or Mandoo for years, I decided….  I rather have FAKE nice, than genuine (or REAL) mean. Don’t keep it real, keep it nice.

  
  

   

  
  

  Think about it, it’s 70-80 degrees sunny ALL year long. There is no subway where people are packed into tight closets w/ 30 different types of minorities resulting in 30 different types of ethnic farts. People wear short sleeves, not rain coats, or 5 layers of clothing. And that’s because of the nice weather not because you want to hide the ugly.  People have convertibles, where as in NYC it is VERY common to not have a driver’s license at all and have to walk everywhere (our whole world is a Starbucks on every corner).  You go to the beaches and you will find bikinis, NOT condoms. Rent for a decent 1 bedroom is only $1500/month and you can even park your car for free,  vs spending $1800 for a studio the size of a minivan, and another $400/month to park that minivan. There aren’t any pigeons on top of the entrance to the subway tunnel ready to play bomb the passengers. Every kid actually has their own room, so there’s less fighting. And you don’t have to smell urine everyday on the way to work. It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to figure out, they’re not mean, they’re just spoiled. And I’m jealous.

  
  

    Contrary to what people say, California girls are NOT prettier.  They’re not uglier either. It’s the same ratio. Although I admit, the girls seem to take care of their bodies better because you’re always wearing short sleeves and skirts. Here’s an EASY way to estimate.  The next time you go outside, look at the first 20 strangers you see. How many do you actually consider good looking?  I did this challenge and on AVERAGE I came up w/ 2 per 20. First you have the regular ugly (well not good looking, but not hideous), then you have the ones that could be avg but are so fat it’s distorted, old people ruin the average too, and then you have FOBs that are could be’s but aren’t.  So I think about 2 per 20 on avg or 10%.  Compare this to any other city or country you go to. And usually it will be around that ratio. Don’t confuse this w/ clubbing, where only young people go, so there’s no Social Security earners there. Girls will put effort, put the makeup, tight outfit, smile more, So that increases the # of good looking people vs the park where ur married and let yourself go. So the % will actually INCREASE to maybe 14%.

  
  

  Hmmm I”m thinking of renting a place in LA so I can get breast augmen…..  I mean, be as tan as a grilled Chalupa. What neighborhoods do you guys recommend?  Orange County?  Pasadena? Santa Monica? If anybody else wants to join Weezy’s World tour let me know this summer. Shall I go North or Eastwards? I will try LA this summer for a bit. Somebody tell me where are the good spots to hang out, and not just LA.

  
  

   

  
  

   

  
  

  Lyrics (at time of writing)
  California Girls
  Beach Boys  hit #3 in July 1965, this song is in the Rock and Roll Hall of fame’s 500 songs that shaped Rock and Rolls list (Summer Days and Summer nights album)

  
  

  Well east coast girls are hip
  I really dig those styles they wear
  And the southern girls with the way they talk
  They knock me out when Im down there
  
  The mid-west farmers daughters really make you feel alright
  And the northern girls with the way they kiss
  They keep their boyfriends warm at night
  
  I wish they all could be california
  I wish they all could be california
  I wish they all could be california girls
  
  The west coast has the sunshine
  And the girls all get so tanned
  I dig a french bikini on hawaii island
  Dolls by a palm tree in the sand
  
  I been all around this great big world
  And I seen all kinds of girls
  Yeah, but I couldnt wait to get back in the states
  Back to the cutest girls in the world
  
  I wish they all could be california
  I wish they all could be california
  I wish they all could be california girls
  
  I wish they all could be california
  (girls, girls, girls yeah I dig the)
  I wish they all could be california
  (girls, girls, girls yeah I dig the)
  I wish they all could be california
  (girls, girls, girls yeah I dig the)
  I wish they all could be california
  (girls, girls, girls yeah I dig the)

  • 1:31 am
  • 61 Comments