July 11, 2005

• edit: i added one more illustration

  
  

  Weezguy’s How-to guide to Clubbin’ (discotheques)

  
  

             

  
  

  Ok guys, it has been a while since I wrote an article, so I thought I’d treat you wannabe’s to another delightful entry. Background: Ever since the dawn of time, social events (especially those that facilitate the meeting of the other sex) have been quite popular. What innocently started as town meetings have evolved w/ music, dancing, liquor and more recently artificial substances.  For those who have (or who have never) went to a dance club this guide is for YOU.  It is so complicated now, that you damn well need the proper training.

  
  

  Clothing: HOT.  We’re going partying and perhaps meeting people not a funeral. You want to look your best, show class (and ass). Now different clubs around the country have different dress codes. Wear what is appropriate, but nicer. You want to stand out cuz you look F-I-N-E fine. Not cuz you look like a Napoleon Dynamite dork. Guys wear a nice shirt, fix your hair, and for god sakes put some cologne on (but dont bathe in it). Brush your gold teeth, buy some mints. Girls, if you got the body wear some sexy outfits. But remember, you will attract what you wear. Skank out if you wish, but don’t’ come crying to Weezy if you get used like a mini-tampon on a heavy flow day. Fat girls? umm……………….. wear a loose dress, (like a shower curtain) it should cover everything.

  
  

  Preparation: Never use a fake ID, they are too easy to spot (especially w/ those card readers now). Borrow a driver’s license. MEMORIZE ur bday and address on it. How stupid is it when a bouncer asks what your birthday is, and your’e like errrr I dunno.  Ok good bye.  Underage people sometimes need to either learn not to shave, or wear super heavy makeup (I do not endorse anything here btw). Stop looking nervous. It’s a club, not a rectal exam.

  
  

    Remember, if you can’t get in for whatever reason you can always bribe the bouncer. Just do it smoothly (like you want to cut the line) or for whatever reason.

  
  

  Ok remember these lines when you get ready to party: And repeat it 3 times like a parrot:
  Guys go to find chicks
  Girls go to “have fun”

  
  

  Now, why is this so? Cuz girls friggin always seem to have a good time. They don’t need to meet guys to have fun.  Girls can dance w/ each other, hold hands, kiss each other, get free drinks, get hit on all night. They get to do whatever they want, and it’s considered HOT.  Guys on the other hand have no choice. What would you think if you heard 2 guys talking like girls?

  
  

  Joe “Yo John”
  John: “Sup Bro”
  Joe “It’s Friday, I’m so stressed, I need to dance yo”
  John “Werd, me too, my body is so tense I’m gonna explode if I don’t get down”

  
  

  OMG, can we say G-A-Y  GAY? How bad does it look to see 4 guys dancing in a circle just smiling all night long? Or holding hands? This is exactly why the only legitimate reason for a straight guy to go clubbin is to MEET GIRLS.  Why do girls go to “have fun”? Cuz they get hit on all the time like a pinata that they dont’ need to go to meet guys.  I’ll tell you one thing tho:  IF YOU ARE AN UGLY GIRL, you may not say it, but you are there to hopefully meet a nice guy. Hot girls get hit on at clubs, at school, on the bus, at church, in the crib, on Friendster on Xanga, they are so sick of it. That’s why they go to “have fun and dance”. But if some cute guy comes along, they may give him a chance.

  
  

  So what does this mean? Well once you understand the mentality of the clubbers you will now know why they act the way they do.

  
  

    Now this is exactly what a typical club floorplan looks like.  First of all notice the ratio is like 7-1 BLUE/RED (Guy/Girl).  The girls are dancing together in their stupid Fobby Circle, while a bunch of daring guys are on the outside dancing trying to get in.  Most of the guys are on the OUTSIDE of the dance floor staring, trying to look cool. In this scenario, NOBODY looks cool, so give it up ok? Guys always complain, I can’t find a girl. Well cuz there’s like a 7-1 ratio stupid. Girls always complain, how can I meet a cute guy? Well if you seperate yourself out of your fobby circle and go to the bar area, there are more guys there than fobs who can speak good EngRish.

  
  

   MaMasita:  To the left is a Close up of the dance floor. What some people don’t know, is that within every group of girls is some type of Cockblocker called a Mamasita.  She is the size of the Great Wall of China and there is no way to go around her. Guys are in no way able to get to the skinny girls unless MaMasita is taken care of. This is where the WingMan comes in. Friends take turns being the “designated driver” and take turns occupying MaMasita (otherwise known as “taking one for the team”) so that the other guy can bypass security.  If MaMasita is unusually big (which more times than not is the case) open a big tab and buy her some 151s to take her out.

  
  

  Sneak Attack:  Girls absolutely hate this. Sometimes it’s Guerilla warfare and despite the best efforts of girls to holds hands and protect each other, some A**hole will come out of the woodwork like a silent fart and catch you by surprise. He’ll come and suddenly put his arms around her waist. Gasp. Who the hell is that? She will make faces to her friends to ascertain if the guy is cute or not. If he is cute, the other girls will give her the thumbs up, but 99 3/4% of the time, the girls will either pull her away, or MaMasita will come and sit on him.

  
  

   Bitch: Yea, some girls (especially in NYC) have such an attitude. They are hot, and they know it. She gives you the finger no matter how nice you are. Once I saw a guy give a girl his business card. She tore it up right in the middle of the dance floor in front of him. I swear there are some stupid guys and some ass hole guys, but that’s just wrong. If you got game perhaps you can win them over, but guys can be victims too.

  
  

    Jealousy: Sometimes you have a couple of girls in a group. In the beginning the short fat girl is like, it’s all find and dandy. But after like the 374th time u go clubbing she finallly gets fed up. “stupid blonde bitch gets all the attention” and secretly plots her downfall. The final straw is when the short fat ugly girl talks to a guy she likes, who suddenly sees her blonde hot friend and leaves her to join the crowd who surrounds the hot chick. A screaming match ensures followed by hair pulling, screaming and other less than ladylike personality traits. Next time u go clubbin, for once, look at thehot girl’s friend and you will see a polite smile, while rage is being built underneath. Eventually she resorts to online dating

  
  

  Sucker: One no no, which I myself have got caught a couple of times. Never never get suckered into buying a group of girls some drinks unless they are friends or it’s going somewhere. Many girls don’t’ want to pay for anything including cover charge or drink. They stand next to the bar looking all hot waiting for some unsuspecting fool to talk to them. They will be unusually friendly, and before you know it they suggest a round of drinks. Usually it’s some worthless weak ass drink like Apple Martini, Malibu Pineapple, some other fruity fruit punch cost $10 kool aid drink. As soon as you get suckered into it, they take their smiling faces (and drinks) away. Well at least you made someone happy for 5 minutes. Too bad it isn’t you. Say bye to $40

  
  

  There are only 2 things that you can do in a club, and you better be good at one of them.
  1. Dance Well: girls like a guy who can dance, and show how smooth he is. If you can’t dance, learn dammit.
  2.Talk/Drink:  If you can’t dance, than you better be able to hold your liquor and know how to talk. Think about it, you’re in a DANCE club. If you can’t dance, you better charm the knickers off the girl. Which means, DON’T GET DRUNK. Sure it’s fun when ur buzzed, but nobody likes a drunk. Some guys start to slobber, or say something stupid. While drunk girls vomit and pass out.  This is a lose/lose situation. So hold your liquor but most importantly be entertaining. But dont’ drink.

  
  

  Remember, clubbing can be fun but also dangerous. There are fights all the time. Best thing is to stay clear.  The last thing you need is a bunch of stupid young punks w/ a chip on their shoulder to start trouble. As I always say, I’m a lover not a fighter.  Don’t be surprised if a hot girl already has a guy. If she is taken, say sorry and just leave. You don’t want a beer bottle broken on top of you head when you’re not looking.

  
  

  There are probably a few dozen more things you need to know. But the main purpose is to have fun. We don’t need drama. Whether you like Hip Hop, Trance, Salsa, or Square Dancing I dont’ care. Just have fun and tell them Weezy sent ya. If you need help talking to the opposite sex, read my What Women Want and What Guys Want series (look thru my older posts)

  
  

  If you have any more suggestions, just add them and subscribe. And umm would anyone dance w/ me?   puhrrreeeeezzzz?

  
  

  [Jazze Pha]
  Ladies and gentlemen (ladies and gentlemen, gentlemen, gentlemen, ooh-wee)
  This is a Jazze Phizzle (Jazze Phizzle) Productshizzle
  Missy (Missy)
  The princess is here (ooh-wee)
  (She’s here) Ciara!  This beat is…
  
  Automatic, supersonic, hypnotic, funky fresh
  Work my body, so melodic
  This beat flows right through my chest
  Everybody, Ma and Papi came to party
  Grab somebody, work your body, work your body
  Let me see you 1, 2 step
  
  Rock it, don’t stop it
  Everybody get on the floor
  Wake the party up
  We about to get it on
  Let me see ya
  1, 2 step
  I love it when ya
  1, 2 step
  Everybody
  1, 2 step
  We about to get it on
  
  (This beat is)
  Outrageous, so contagious, make you crave it
  (Jazze made it)
  So retarded, top-charted
  Ever since the day I started
  Strut my stuff and yes I flaunt it
  Goodies make the boys jump on it
  No, I can’t control myself
  Now let me do my 1, 2 step (come on)
  
  Rock it, don’t stop it
  Everybody get on the floor
  Wake the party up
  We about to get it on
  Let me see ya
  1, 2 step
  I love it when ya
  1, 2 step
  Everybody
  1, 2 step
  We about to get it on
  
  (We gon’ drop the beat like this, ooh-wee)
  
  It don’t matter to me
  We can dance slow (ladies and gentlemen)
  Which ever way the beat drops
  Our bodies will go (I like this)
  So swing it over here, Mr. DJ (hey, hey)
  And we will, we will rock you up (oh yeah)
  
  It don’t matter to me
  We can dance slow (dance slow ya, ya, ya)
  Which ever way the beat drops
  Our bodies will go (hey, hey)
  So swing it over here, Mr. DJ (ladies and gentlemen)
  And we will, we will rock you up (let’s shake)
  
  [Missy]
  I shake it like jello, make the boys say hello
  Cause they know I’m rockin’ the beat
  I know you heard about a lot of great MC’s
  But they ain’t got nothin’ on me
  Because I’m 5 ft 2, I wanna dance with you
  And I’m sophisticated fun, I eat filet mignon
  And I’m nice and young, best believe I’m number one (oh)
  
  Rock it, don’t stop it
  Everybody get on the floor
  Wake the party up (oh)
  We about to get it on
  Let me see ya
  1, 2 step
  I love it when ya
  1, 2 step
  Everybody
  1, 2 step
  We about to get it on
  
  Rock it, don’t stop it
  Everybody get on the floor
  Wake the party up
  We about to get it on
  Let me see ya
  1, 2 step
  I love it when ya
  1, 2 step
  Everybody
  1, 2 step
  We about to get it on

  
  

  Oh yea, come to the party.

  • 12:18 pm
  • 92 Comments