February 22, 2005

• edit: I haven’t seen HItch yet (maybe today), curious as to what he teaches.
  OMG, Hitch (bitch) copycated my xanga. Dr. Weez is mad, read it here http://www.xanga.com/home.aspx?user=DearWeezy&nextdate=2%2f23%2f2005+23%3a59%3a59.999

  
  

  Valentine’s day Massacre (Love Guide for singles)

  
  

  This year I spent my Valentine’s day Bday single and alone in my apt and ordered Chinese food delivery.  Excitng huh? Well I read some not so happy Valentine’s day Xanga pages so I decided to write a Vday “Survival Guide” for those loading up on BonBons while watching some tortureous movie like LoveActually (which coincidentally also happens to feature this song in the wedding scene). Well slap me silly, Xanga crashed that Valentine’s night. OMG, looks like Xanga has underestimated how many hapless souls there are. They sobbed their way into slowing the servers to a halt. How many breakups happened right around V’day? Well put the Porn away my cherubs, have no fear Xangans. Here is Weezguy’s Love Guide for Singles:

  
  

  “Valentine’s Day is a stupid holiday made by the commercial industry”.  Yeah, shut up. That’s what single people, or (better yet) Friends who have special ones, say to those who don’t have anyone to share this day with. Meanwhile, those same friends have reserved some kinky sex theme rooms with Tarzan Ropes, Heart Beds, and are willing to pay $50 for a box of condoms at some Middle Eastern or Korean 24/7 store cuz they damn well sold out everywhere else. Yea, go take a cold shower, there’s more.

  
  

  Meanwhile, for those who decide not wanting to take anger (or depression) managment, others resort to support groups. Suddenly, all the single friends rally together and have some sad ass singles party, dinner, gamenight where they wont’ have to be alone. Yes folks, that’s right, Somewhere some sad group will understand how hard will it be to get a table at Serendipity‘s (also made famous in a Movie). They all tell themselves, it’s ok, they don’t need anyone, fatten themselves up w/ Frozen Hot Chocolate (oxymoron), burn pictures of their ex’s, spend money on themselves at Tiffany’s, make reservations at some posh spa, or restaurant with their support group………… But you KNOW, if someone they’re interested in calls at 11:59pm on February 13 and asks them out, weeks of Anti-Vday planning and bashing dissolves faster than a curry fart can clear out a Subway train.

  
  

  Face it folks, maybe Valentine’s day is a commercial holiday. But who the #%*! cares? Humans want to love and be loved, to be wanted, blah blah yadda yadda. Even those couples who say “it doesnt’ matter, people should love each other everyday anyways”. Oh give it a rest Grandma, save the lectures. You have someone, you are loved, now go away to your heart shaped bed, and $50 exotic fruit buble bath and suffocate. It’s true, whether you are pro-Valentine’s day, Anti-Vday, don’t care about Vday, or can’t even spell Valentine’s day, you want someone, whether you like to admit it or not. So what’s the Guide to surviving Valentine’s? …………. Basically, by actually having one.

  
  

  So how do you actually get one? I assumed you read my prerequisites:

  
  

  1. What Women Want (Jan 7, 2003)
  2. What Women ALSO Want part 2 (Jan 22, 2003)
  3. What Guys Want (Feb 14, 2003)
  4. How to Have Sex (female version) (May 27, 2003)
  5. What Couples Want (January 26, 2004)
  6. Unofficial Xanga Guide to Dating (Jan 21,2005)

  
  

  Well that’s just fine and dandy, and I hope a lot of you got some special Valentine’s because of those articles. But I will finally divulge the TRUE SECRET INGREDIENT. This is the ingredient most necessary in order to avoid singleness. 

  
  

   

  
  

  BALLS BALLS BALLS

  
  

  That’s the secret ingredient? A miniature potato sack w/ hair growing out of it? YES, 75% of people don’t have any (and that includes the 50% from women). Well folks, time to learn to grow them. All the previous articles were about HOW TO’s. How to dress, how to act, how to prepare etc. Well balls are the actual TWO, oops i mean TO.  In order to use ANY of those previous things I’ve written in the previous articles, you have got to have the BALLS to make your move.

  
  

  Whether you’re in school and afraid to ask out the head cheerleader that doesn’t know your name, the coworker that sits in cubicle D44, the prim and proper Widow at church or one of your teenage HS students that you teach (oh wait, forget the last one), you need the BALLS to make your move.  You have to ask yourself. What’s the worst that can happen? Sure, some people may laugh, or the bf you didnt’ know about will kick your A$$, or you get fired and be put on the news about your HS inappropriateness. But other than those minor inconviences, the worst that can happen is he/she says no.

  
  

  It’s a funny thing about regret and rejection.  People are scared of both and yet they are on opposite ends of the spectrum. Why do people wait 4 years in High School because of rejection, and sometimes wait till the LAST day of class to ask someone out? At the same time, if they don’t ask, they will regret not trying for the rest of their lives. You have to weigh it out. Would you rather be rejected, or be home playing pin the tail on yourself?

  
  

  

  
  

  Abraham Lincoln Rule

  
  

  The problem w/ balls, is that it’s not equally distributed. Just like a left nut can be longer than the other, some guys have no shame and hit on more girls than China can produce them. But you know what? Even if you are butt ugly, if you hit on 1000 people and get rejected 999 times, it’s the one time that makes it all worthwhile. Did you know Abraham Lincoln was also a failure? I mean you gotta admit, he was butt ugly. Would any of you girls like him on top of you? He failed as a businessman (storekeeper), he failed as a farmer, he failed in his first attempt at political office, he failed in attempt for state house speaker, then he failed in his bid for Congress, he failed to be appointed to the US Land office, failed when he ran for Senate, he failed to be nominated for Vice President, then failed AGAIN for the Senate. Yet, despite these failures, he became one of America’s greatest Presidents. Why? Because Abraham Lincoln had great balls (w/ a hairy beard). He didn’t give up, and neither should you.

  
  

            

  
  

  Now, just because you have some balls,everything should be peachy dory right? Not so fast, my newly grown friends. There’s a delicate way to play w/ balls. You have to take initiative w/o being TOO agressive. Just ask any lady who’s been hit on more than a pinata. Isn’t it really exciting when you’re trying to dance in a club, when all the sudden some greasy sweaty guy wraps his arms around you like you were a burrito? 90% of the time his face is shaped like Quasimodo w/ a face lift. Well, let’s forget the aggressive guys or girls, they will play the Abraham Lincoln scenario and get theirs anyways.

  
  

  Search for the hidden Tomatoes.

  
  

  “It’s not quantity, it’s quality”: DAMN Right it is. Which is worse? Not having any good looking guys go up to you girls, or having 500 Quasimodos lining all up on your grill? How about Neither?  Aren’t you sick of the same playa type aggressive guys going up to you girls? The games, the flim flam, the Wham Bam Thank you Ma’am, the playas, the haters, the fakers yadda yadda. Well for the ladies, there IS something you can do about it. Grab your newly grown balls (make sure you remove them on the date) and this time YOU make the initiaive. How many of you ladies think it’s the guys’s job to make the first move?  You know, in the bar,the lounge, the club, Starbucks, Barnes and Noble, it’s always the agressive guys that come out of the woodwork like refugees across the border. Think about it, many ladies complain, they can’t find a nice decent guy and only go out w/ the wrong guys. Well DUHHHH, these are the same aggressive guys.  It’s the ball-LESS nice guys who are sometimes too shy, or too quiet that is your hidden treasure. You’ve seen these guys, standing AROUND the dance floor, but not in it, or the timid ones that just keep to themselves in the bookstore. Imagine going to your local supermarket and it’s Italian week or something that requires tomatoes. Everyone is fighting for the best tomatoes, ripe, yet firm, juicy and fresh, but alas the only ones left are the brown, wet, smashed ones that were stepped on, or dropped. Then suddenly in the corner of your eye, you find a secret stash of tomatoes under the stand that nobody had the balls to look for. Here you go ladies, your first pick of decent guys that other girls usually don’t look for. All you need is to be willing to take a chance and approach a guy when other girls won’t. Guys are generally more receptive than women are. Girls get hit on so many times, that it becomes a nuisance or even worse have a collection of stalkers. Guys get hit on less and are more welcome to advances. However, if a guy suddenly gets a big head and tells his friends “yea man, she hit on ME”, you should probably drop him like a bad tomato as he is more interested in the game then on the girl.

  
  

  Guys have more of a challenge than girls. Girls take multiple choice tests. Hmmm, should I pick Jeff, Rich, William, Joeseph, or All the Above, they have multiple losers to choose from. Guys on the other hand, unfairly have to take Essay type questions.  “Why should I go out w/ you, instead of the other guys?” You write your resume type answer, and say “pick me, pick me”. Guys, load up the balls, you have to fight for her attention. Either fight amongst the crowd, or do the Tomato Way and meet at house parties, thru friends, church, schools etc. But you better have the balls to ask her out once you meet her. Don’t forget another essential rule: No matter how UGLY, FAT, OLD, Stupid they are, they always have friends. Unless they are being an ass, dont’ reject all of them outright as you can become pretty good friends and hence meet THEIR friends ahhhhh.

  
  

  Remember, we are all humans. Everyone wants to feel wanted, to be loved, to be cared for, to have companionship. Everyone enjoys friends, to laugh, to relax, to joke, to dream, to be happy. Everyone eats, sh*ts, burps, farts, has fetishes, gets embarrassed, has bad hair days, gets sick, gets diahrrhea, and dreams of a one true love. Some people look mean, act mean, farts really mean, but when you get thru that robotic, bitch exterior, they too can be surprisngly playful. Especially those huge ass bouncers you see at clubs. You dont’ want to meet them in a dark alley, but get a cute girl to smile at them, and they break down like a 1986 Hyundai Excel (w/ 81 horsepower). Point is, we are all human, everyone has a chance.

  
  

  Well here concludes another politically incorrect Weezguy article. Remember this is tongue in cheek humour, and should and shouldn’t be taken seriously (at the same time). Give feedback please, as we are stronger when we work together. There are some great people in this world. Give them a chance. Hopefully you won’t be ordering Chinese take out next Valentines

  
  

  Make sure you read my other articles for further progress.

  
  

  Background Song (at time of posting) All You Need is Love, Writer, lead vocal: John Lennon, Beatles

  
  

  Love, Love, Love. 
  There’s nothing you can do that can’t be done.
  Nothing you can sing that can’t be sung.
  Nothing you can say but you can learn how to play the game.
  It’s easy.
  Nothing you can make that can’t be made.
  No one you can save that can’t be saved.
  Nothing you can do but you can learn how to be you in time.
  It’s easy.

  
  

  All you need is love.
  All you need is love.
  All you need is love, love.
  Love is all you need.

  
  

  Nothing you can know that isn’t known.
  Nothing you can see that isn’t shown.
  Nowhere you can be that isn’t where you’re meant to be.
  It’s easy. All you need is love (Paul: All together, now!)
  All you need is love. (Everybody!)
  All you need is love, love.
  Love is all you need (love is all you need).
  Yee-hai!  Oh yeah!  She loves you, yeah yeah yeah.  She loves you, yeah yeah yeah.

  • 4:29 am
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