January 21, 2005

• Weezguy’s Unofficial Xanga Guide to Dating (happy New Years, belated)

  
  

  Sorry, it’s been tooooo long since I had time to write an article. What has changed? Hmm, I got a Fohawk haircut (as shown below next to David Beckham). In the meanwhile, you guys can either reread my older articles, OR in the interim, dont’ forget www.xanga.com/dearweezy (my alterxanga site).

  
  

   

  
  

  Without further adieu…. here is Weezguy’s Xanga guide to dating.

  
  

   

  
  

  Do you know why the typical average American has trouble hooking up successfully for any significant time? Because it’s too damn hard to find someone you’re attracted to. Sure there are probably 25 million good looking Americans, but what does that really mean? There’s 225 million UGLY Americans? Of course not (ok, maybe a little). But, nonetheless it’s just that once you graduate school, it’s hard to meet new people since you only get a couple of minutes at a bar, bookstore, church, or Starbucks before they get bored and you never see them again. And if you ARE successful in getting a date, how many times have YOU or the other person fuc**d it up by saying or doing somethign stupid? Well fear not Xangans, here is the Unofficial Xanga guide to dating. Remember, if  a person agrees to go out w/ you, they aleady decided you are worth some action, just don’t fu*k it up.

  
  

  Preparation:

  
  

  Ok, here’s the situation. For some miraculous reason, you chiseled, begged, impressed, your way into getting a date w/ someone you found interesting. Well slap my tummy w/ the taste of Nuts and Honey, miracles do happen. Now, what does it take to turn this awkward social situation into somethign that actually fits people’s dreams? Now you have to prepare for the first date where you will have extended “alone time” unless that annoying friend wants to tag along (there’s always one of those). First thing you do, leave the friend behind. Tell them you’re going to the bathroom, and just never come back. But in either case, be alone. Now, you want to make a good impression. Pick a place where both of you will be comfortable. Ask what type of food she likes. If she’s allergic to seafood, dont bring her to RedLobster (not like you should anyways).

  
  

  

  
  

  Shower: Always Always Always Always Always and umm……. Always shower right before a date. Clean yourself, brush your teeth, floss last week’s chicken out of ur gums, and use Super XXX Anti-perspirant if you have to. If you are super hairy, either trim the hedges or shampoo the carpet but get that sh*t clean. Nothing is as sexy as a clean fresh smelling person w/ nice smelling hair right? Don’t smell like Clorox Bleach. We want fresh smelling, not friggin PineSol (do you want to smell like a forest?). Ladies? not feeling as fresh as you can be? Get some Summer’s Eve, get some winter’s eve, get ammonia, I don’t care, just get it clean.  You can put on some parfum, or eau de toilette. But if you stink, then dont’ drown urself. Just enough to cover the malodorous emissions. If you have problems w/ gas, get a wine cork.

  
  

  Clothing: Dress to impress. Now don’t be all ostentatious w/ the bling bling and emit light where there’s only darkness. Dress for the occassion. Look elegant, and/or casual at the same time. If you are going to a hoochie club, then be equally hoochie, don’t overskank yourself. Why would you ever want to be the winner of the Miss Skank pageant? Another tip, always wear something thin that you will be cold in. I dont’ care if it’s 90 degrees, 10 degrees or you live in the South Pole. Try to wear that lowcut dress or thin fabric shirt (Unless you are fat, then cover it up like those Middle Eastern woman). The last thing situation wou will want to be in is wearing something that makes you sweat, and then start to smell. You can always wear a sweater or jacket on top that you can put on or take off. But god help you if you wear a sweater and the waiter seats you near the heater or fireplace. If you are one of those hairy guys that have hair coming out even if you are wearing a turtleneck, you are SOL. May we ask the women, would you rather have a shag carpet living under the shirt, or a turtle neck sweat smelling man?

  
  

  Punctuality: Be on time. Period.
  Guys: Girls have that stigma of being late, but you don’t. Imagine of a girl is actually ready before you are? That’s death. Plan on getting there 1/2 hour, 1 hour, or even 3 days early I dont’ care, just in case there is traffic. Just get there early, hang around the corner, (you stalkers should be good at this) THEN you can go to her place on time. If you have extra time, maybe you can do the pre-date jerk off (as seen on There’s something about Mary). Yea, masturbate, so you look more relaxed and less horny before you meet up.
  Ladies: Imagine if a girl was actually on time? Wow, what a pleasant surprise. Bonus points for you and a guy will be impressed. And if a guy is actually later than you? especially after all that friggin time you spent w/ makeup, dressing, plucking, changing tampons, tweezing whatever hairs, or growths you need to tweeze? Just suck it up, shut the hell up, smile and say “it’s ok, I was just finished”. What do you want to do? Ruin the mood before it begins? Oh yea, bring a stress toy if he continues to piss you off.

  
  

  

  
  

  The pick up:

  
  

  Etiquette:  Be pleasant, polite, smile etc. etc.Whether you have nice teeth, false teeth, no teeth, or braces w/ more metal than the GeorgeWashington Bridge in you mouth, then just grin. Nobody wants to see Frankenstein or Hellen Keller on a first date. If you don’t know to smile, may I suggest you use a mirror. Compliment each other on how wonderful they look, even if there’s an belly button sized zit on his nose. I mean, it’s not that he doens’t know it’s there, why make him feel bad? Point is to make you guys like each other. And if you do have that big whitehead on your nose? Why didn’t you pop it 2 days earlier? If you are driving the girl, maintain a nice leisurly drive. Don’t go all macho, and show her you can do 100mph, in a school zone. What do you think you are doing? Gee, scaring the crap out of her really makes her fall in love w/ you. Ok loser, save the dinner money and use it to fill up the car w/ the gas you just burned and take her home. Talk about something positive on the ride there, do NOT be boring (more on this later). Try to see what interests the other person and never talk about yourself unless asked. 
  Play those stupid assigned gender roles: Guys be a gentleman, ladies be a lady. In the 21st century we don’t need any of that chivalry crap. Ladies like being independent and having as much freedom as men, BUT it is the inherant nature for a woman to be wanted to be treated like a woman. Some may deny this, but be courteous. Treat her like a lady, not some handicapp or mute that can’t order from her own menu. So on the date, you have to cast away those 9 to 5 working woman “You Go Girl” ideas and treat her like a sensitive human being. Hold the door open for ladies and let her go first (btw, for Revolving doors, the “proper” etiquette is for the male to go first, so he can do the pushing for the girl, but many girls dont’ know that and get offended). Let the woman sit on the inside of the restaurant table, while the male sits outside. When crossing the street, the guy has to stand on the side where the cars are to “protect” her (less some car comes barreling in and hits him and miraculouly bounces off him and not the girl). In bed (you should be so lucky) the lady gets to sleep by the wall, while the male sleeps on the outter part (you know, cuz if a robber comes in, for some reason the ladies feels protected that the bullet can’t penetrate him and the girl wold be safe).

  
  

  Dinner: If everything is going well so far, you have passed the first chapter of the date. You’ve seen each other’s appearance and initial mannerism and so far you haven’t had the desire to jump out of the car, or fake death. Here comes the real test. This is when you have to engage in actual dum de de dum…..CONVERSATION. Now this is an art, and of course BOTH sides need to contribute.
  
  Guys: Ladies like an assertive guy that takes charge, but at the same time does not ram crab cakes in their mouth. You can suggest things: “would you like to sit a the bar while we wait for our table?” “would you prefer the window or a booth?” “Do you want extra pepperoni on the Chucky Cheese Pizza?”. A guy (or boy) shows that he is taking the lead by thinking of these things first, but at the same time, is cordial enough to receive feedback. He is showing initiative but not deciding for her.  If she is an airhead, and answers “huh?” to any of these questions, let’s just say it’s safe to say you will be playing baseball and scoring all night.
  
  Ladies: Just say yes to all his questions. Make it simple, (even if it means going to Chucky Cheese). A guy would just suggest things, that he is comfortable doing. Make him feel good and just say yes. But throw in a few no’s every 5 times so you dont become an airhead. If you really insistant on certain things you can tell the truth. No point of making yourself miserable which will carry over to the date. Remember this is a first date, so both sides should compromise to make it a comfortable one.
  
  Guys: Make sure you are hungry when you are eating. A lady doesn’t want to be a pig and outeat the man. Just drink beverages until you can relieve your hunger. Offer to share food. If a girl says “wow, that steak really looks good”, don’t say “yup, sure does” and continue eating. Dumbass. I’ve seen girls get turned off this way before.

  
  

  Ladies: Since you don’t want to look like a pig, here’s a tip. Keep a thing of Weaver’s chicken wings or something in your freezer. Everytime you have a date, bake like 3 chicken wings, and eat them before you brush your teeth. That way, you wont’ be starving and look malnourished, but at the same time, won’t be nibbling the salad like a NYC subway rat. You don’t want the guy to think you chomp down on HoHo’s whenever you need to take a break.

  
  

  Muy Importante: This is CRUCIAL during the dinner. The conversations you have will be the make or break part of the date. Here are some guidlines: Be entertaining. Nobody likes dead slilence during the date. If you are not social, make some friggin flash cards if you need to. Topics you can talk about: the food, the weather, his/her interests, what you like about him/her, things you find in common.  Never ever talk about yourself unless you are asked. The Last thing anyone wants to hear is someone ramble about themselves (“I went to Harvard, I have a PhD, I work in a prestigious firm, I like playing golf all day at my country club, I installed this car engine w/ these tools, I like to sew dolls and pillows. Want to know what I did today?”) arghhhhhh…………. SHUT the %#* up. Boring boring boring. Never talk about anything controversial, never talk about Bush vs Kerry, why in the world would you ever set yourself up for an argument? If a girl doens’t like sports, don’t bring up the SuperBowl. Ladies, dont’ bring up shoes, bags, boots, clothes, Jennifer Anniston and Brad Pitt breakup, makeup or anything remotely close to Cosmo magazine. It’s enough you have to drink it, guys dont’ need to hear it too. So what SHOULD you talk about? Well talk about something both people have in common. What interests do you both share? Make each other laugh, it’s a date, not a job interview. You can be confident and modest at the same time, just dont’ be cocky. You can discuss activities you want to do latter on that evening. If you like shooting pool, you can up the ante “whoever loses pool has to buy the next dinner  ” and guys, make sure you never win. Like scratch on the 8ball if you have to (but of course try to look like ur trying, girls dont’ want charity). If worst comes to worst, go see a movie. It’s sort of like cheating for you unimaginiative fools, because you both get entertained w/o having to think or talk. Find a movie that the OTHER person wants to see, even if you saw it already (unless they are super cool and dont’ mind seeeing somethign else (a big PLUS). Well you get the picture, talk about things both people can participate in.
  
  Ladies: Offer to pay for dinner. Just do it. A lady who offers to pay for dinner is such a plus. It shows she’s not high maintenance gold digger, and that she actually cares about the guy. Many high maintenance stuck up women think they’re all that, and a guy’s job is to treat them like a goddess. The guy is already interested in you physically anyways, why not make him like you for your sweet heart?
  
  Guys: Are you stupid? No way should you ever let the woman pay. It’s part of being a gentleman, and you dont’ want to be branded as cheap, her friends will find out and bash you behind your back. Thank her for her offer, tell her how fucking sweet she is (not in those words mind you) and pay for the expensive meal. See? Both sides win. Guys think the girl is such a sweetheart, and the guy is still the gentleman.

  
  

  Now, at this part of the date, you should have an idea of how the date is going. Does she accept your order to have dessert (means she’s willing to stay longer), or does she keep saying she sleepy? Is she interested in doing some other activities? Does the guy keep hinting he has to work early and want to drive you home?  You can try to convince, beg, plead, implore or even when you get desperate, offer to pay for everything, but alas, if the person wants to go home, save your money. You are officially boring. Now, dont’ try to prolong the date if your date really wants to leave you. All that does is turn your image from a boring but nice, into boring and controlling. Get it? You want the date to WANT to hang out w/ you, not HAVE to hang out w/ you.

  
  

  Activities:  Now, here is where the actual fun part of the date is. This is the part where both people get to laugh. Dinner was nice, but necessary to see if you enjoy each other’s company. If you guys pass this, then this is the springboard into the physical aspect of the date (you know, the good stuff). At dinner you showed how you were a gentleman/lady. Were you guys compatible mentally? Well now, this is the part where you get to show if each other likes flesh. Here are some sample things to do:

  
  

  

  
  

  Pool (billiards): Go to a nice trendy place (not a hole in the wall) that has a bar. You can play games for drinks and get a nice buzz going. Guys can put their arm around her when teaching her how to shoot pool (girls even if you know how, just allow that nice warm body near you )

  
  

  Bowling: Not as intimate since you’re wearing shoes that 200 other people wore before you, and every 5 seconds thers’s the sound of dish shattering. But it can be fun for those who are more casual. Make a handicap to make the game competitive. And guys, make sure you lose by around 1 pin. If the score is close, it’s more fun. No girl wants to be embarrassed (“Wooohooo, I beat you 300 to 17″) Yea, you can almost hear her loins drying up.

  
  

  

  
  

  Dancing: Girls love dancing. Where else can you contour a girl in various positions in public and have her love it so easily and get her hot and sweaty at the same time? Here’s your chance to be dignified and put your arms around your date w/o looking like your so damn horny that you wanted to do it from the moment you picked each other up. If you can’t dance, make sure it’s slow music (you can’t fuck that up). But if you know how to dance, then by all means heat it up on the dance floor. Just don’t start looking weird and spasming on the floor like someone put a snake in your panties. This is the prelude to the bedroom. Make it a good one. Dance to the rhythm of the music, not the voices in your head. Guys, make sure you keep an eye on her, if you go to the bathroom dont’ be surprised if 3 other guys are grinding on her in bedroom positions that you didn’t think could be done vertically. Girls, make sure you keep an eye on him, if you go to the bathroom, don’t be surprised if he’s hitting on 3 other girls blah blah blah.

  
  

  Golf/Mini-Golf: Are you kidding me?  Use a stick to get a ball in a hole? Please. Ladies, don’t forget to ask him to teach how to putt. It’s an invitation for physical contact.

  
  

  

  
  

  Museums: For the artsy fartsy people (and wannabes). To show off your knowledge, sophistication and wisdom. It is a plus to date someone intelligent, but not to the point where they show off too much. Keep it in stride. Answer when needed, but don’t volunteer too much boring ass info if not needed (remember Cliff Claven the mailman from Cheers?). Do you think the person actually will fall in love w/ you if you knew Andrew Jackson was the 7th President of the United Sates? “OMG, I wasn’t going to date that loser, but the moment he named all 50 states, I am sooooo going over to his place tonight”. puhleeze. Just hold hands as you both revel and enjoy knowledge.

  
  

  Movies: Ahhh the last stand for the imaginatively lacking.  Where else can 2 people have fun w/o having to use brain power and be creative in wit? Try to find a movie both people can enjoy. Usually date movies would be something like a romantic comedy. Why? because girls usually love them, and puts them in the mood w/ love and crap. Yea, get her in the mood, buy her popcorn, milk duds or whatever high priced crap they serve at the concession stand. Don’t be surprised if you spend more at the ghetto ass movie theater than that nice fancy restaurant. Make sure u bring plenty of napkins to the seats. Only eat w/ one hand (preferably the one NOT next to her) so you wont’ have greasy buttered oily hands so you can hold her hand during the movie. Guys: sit down in the seat a little, so she has an opportunity to rest her head on your shoulders (yea I know, it gets numb as hell, but hopefully u drank enough alcohol that ur body is numb to begin with). Girls: Make sure that perfume you were wearing still smells good, and your hair has that nice springtime freshness cuz it’s going to be under his nose. Then go ahead and  stick that head onto his shoulders. Make sure you laugh at the appropriate times, don’t start giggling too much (not sexy), but dont’ be like a broken TickleMeElmo doll either. On a sccale of 1 to 10, where 1 is dead and 10 is airhead, be like a 6 or 7. Happiness is contagious.

  
  

  Analysis:

  
  

  By this time, the night is ending. Dinner and dessert have been consumed, the activities have been finished. Both sides should have an idea where this is going. If you still don’t, you are either shy or someone so dumb that you failed a blood test . Obviously if the physical contact has taken place,  you are assured some action. Depending on your hornyness level, you should have been able to at least hold hands, or on the other end of the spectrum, you may have already had anal intrusion.  But what if you still dont’ know? Well umm know would be a good time to ask. Don’t go on enough “not sure if he/she likes me” dates that you end up becoming hang out buddies. You can mention something like ”NEXT time” (oh good there’s a next time) we can do something else. Or you can directly say, I like you. But in either case, you should definitely have an idea where this is going.  Hopefully by reading this guide, you have graduated w/ a successful date. If you like the person call them, but not too often (psycho stalker) or too little (aloof), balance my friend, is the key. Remember, sometimes you have to pretend to be something you are not (especially in the beginning), but at least it gets you to next date etc. etc. Once you feel comfortable, you can be less of an airhead and tell how you really feel. Where is the ultimate goal? The nirvana? Read this older article “What Xangans want from Sex (female version)”

  
  

  If you have followed the steps above, you should generally have a good date as long as you didnt @%@%# it up. Give me feedback (if you’re still awake from reading).

  
  

  enjoy, oh and find ME a date as well

  • 3:14 am
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