December 2, 2007

• What was your WORST date ever?  Can you make me feel better?

   

  How about if you broke your ankle on a date? Yup, I’m serious. Since we are towards the end of the year (can you believe it?) Let me share 2 experiences I’ve had (one recent, and one in a bygone era).  Unless you live beneath a makeshift cardboard box in the alley, most of you have had experiences going on dates. Of course some went very well, and some you never wished upon your worst enemies.

  Now before I unveil the dates, you want to put odds in your favor. When a guy asks a girl out to: dinner, drinks, Taco Bell, a rodeo etc. etc, Sometimes, you would get a negative response: “I’m busy, this isn’t a good week, my parents are in town, I have to paint the wall, NO, get away from me, didn’t the police warn you? etc. etc.” 

  Other times, you get positive responses, but the one key word that sets the heart a flutter is the simple: “sure”. Why is this so? From the guy’s perspective, if he really likes a girl, he wants her to like him back. Anything along the lines of “hmm, I dunno”, “I don’t know you that well”, or anything with a hesitation or “uhhh” automatically shows that she doesn’t like the guy as much.  From the girl’s point of view, if she really really likes a guy, she ISN’T going to say “YEAH I DO”.  Girls naturally liked to be the ones that are pursued. Therefore anything that shows too much enthusiasm makes her lose control of the romance, and lowers her value as she becomes more slutty. Remember, a guy is asking a girl out, SHE has control. The delicate balance of showing you have interest but at the same time restraining herself to showing she isn’t some Wack Job, is summarized by the simple “sure”. After she hangs up the phone, THEN does she scream to her friends, jumps up and down and wets her knickers.

  On a scale of 1 to 10:  Sure is as close to a 10 as possible.  Some notable runner ups:
  8:  when?  (this also shows a girl is interested, w/o slutting it up big time, however doesn’t make the guy’s heart skip)
  7:  Ok….  (can you be a little more enthusiastic?)
  6: <pause> silence…… (I guess so) – I would be happy she is saying yes, but already know I’m not taking her out to steak and wine since she doesn’t want to give it her all.
  4. “Let me see if I have anything else to do….” -   Great, she rather work on her nails more than me.

  There are some instances when I had to use my wit and charm the knickers off a girl to win her over. So all is not always lost.

  Thank you for being patient.  Let me unveil 2 bad dates.

     (this is what the radiologist drew to explain which part of my ankle was broken)

  1.  SAW 4 and the broken Ankle.  I took a girl to dinner. She was pretty hot, so of course I’m falling over cracks in the sidewalk and buying her food I normally wouldn’t eat myself. During dinner she mentions that she really wants to see Saw 4, but her friends are too scared to go see it.  Now,…… I can’t stand blood and I get really sick when I see gross things, but like a thong going up a Victoria’s Secret model, I don’t resist.  The movie starts, and I started to get really queasy and dizzy, so I went to the men’s room. The LAST thing I remember is standing next to the urinals.  Apparently I fainted.  I woke up w/ a bump on the side of my head, and my ankle throbbing in pain (later on while partying in Hollywood, and renting a plane, I found out my ankle was broken).  And what happens?  The girl is Angry at me.  “Where did you go? Why did you leave me?”  “errrr sorry, I was unconscious, and broke my ankle”.  She didn’t believe me, even tho I was limping home like a fat girl that broke one of her heels.

  

  2. Seinfeld would be proud:  I was sitting around Union Sq when a pretty girl roller blades pasts me and Falls. Instinctively what’s the first response?  That’s Right, I started Laughing at her. Well needless to say she wasn’t amused and was quite distraught and angry for some reason.  I apologized then helped her up. We started talking for a few minutes and she finds out I live nearby. “Let’s go to your place” she proclaims.  This is too weird, so I suggested we walk around some more. “Let’s go up to your place” she beams. Again, I blocked her suggestions and took her to get some food to get to know her better.   Is she a parrot? “let’s go upstairs to your place”. By this time, it was getting dark and after walking for hours I was getting tired, so I invite her up to my place.  Girls, don’t you hate it when a guy constantly rubs up against you and won’t stop? Well, it’s harder for a guy, because I’m not gay, and secondly she was pretty. But I denied her for awhile until I succumbed.   Well, I was going to hang out w/ some friends that night, so she suggested I take a shower and she’ll get my clothes ready.  Man, I took the FASTEST shower in my life (maybe 1.5 minutes) w/ thoughts of the Seinfeld episode in my head. Have you ever seen the Seinfeld episode where George gets tied up in handcuffs by a girl in bed, and then she proceeds to steal $5 from him?  Sure enough, when I leave the shower, the girl is gone.  I check my wallet, see money is still there, credit card, ATM card, checks, Laptop is all still in the room. I was confused, until I checked my wallet again. She left me the $1 bills, meanwhile all my $20 bills were gone…… girl stole $300 from me.

  Anybody have worse dates?

  • 6:44 pm
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