February 15, 2007

• What Guys and Girls REALLY think when they meet and Flirt:

   

  First of all:  Happy Valentine’s Day all. Thanks to those who came to my bday. Sorry for those who couldn’t get in, it was packed. What did I learn in my drunken state while watching people?  Desperate single people w/o dates trying to hook up before Vday. Here we go:

  Ok, perhaps in the days of yore when promiscuousness was dealt with by death, castration or worse…… arranged FAT marriages, was there stable proper courting. Now that we stopped using the horse and carriage, and instead have mobile phones, crackberries, match.com, and the female gender actually work in our society, the interaction between the difference sexes is very commonplace. In fact, so commonplace, that guys and girls aren’t even nervous and sweating like the pimply faced kids they were in high school. So what does this mean? Guys and girls actually scheme what they want in a partner now.

  If you read my What Women Want (part 1&2) and What Guys Want entries, you know most guys are interested in Sex, and girls are interested in what a guy can provide. Let’s summarize and show what Guys and Girls are REALLY thinking (in italics)

   Guys thoughts vs Girls thoughts.

  Guy approaches girl at bar:

  Guy: Hi, I’m John   [Hi I think you're hot. Would you like some penis?]
  Girl: Hi, I’m Jenny [Yes, I do, but only if you can pass my 837 point certified questions]
  Guy: Nice to meet you Jenny, can I get you a drink? [God damn it, now I have to shell out some cash so she doesn't think I'm cheap]
  Girl: Sure that would be nice [He's cute, and seems very nice I hope he doesn't f#@k it up by saying anything stupid]
  Guy: So, where are you from? What do you do? What interests do you have? [Man, I don't really care what her answers are, but in order to ride this pony at the rodeo, I have to pretend that I'm more interested in her than a Chinese geek is to calculus class, otherwise I won't get any]
  Girl: Well, I’m from X, I’m a X, and I like to X and you? [Cool, this guy seems to really care about my interests. Hmmm, I wonder what he does for a living. I hope he's rich AND really sweet and caring, AND is smart, AND funny AND will treat me like a lady]
  Guy: I’m a banker/lawyer/doctor and live in “insert fancy neighborhood here” [hee hee I'm so smart I said banker/lawyer/doctor so magically she's attracted to me]
  Girl: Oh that’s cool [Woohoo jackpot! A guy who's cute, successful AND rich. Now if he's as nice as he sounds now I'm gonna marry him in a year. I'm gonna tie this guy down like he's the last lobster tail at the buffet]
  Guy: Would you like to go to dinner sometime? [I've done all the "mandatory" chores necessary to pass your stupid 837 point certified test questions, can I take you home and make you moan like I stepped on a sea otter?]
  Girl: Sure my mobile is xxx-xxx-xxxx call me  [If you want to make me moan like a sea otter, just call the #, take me to some nice restaurant, treat me nice, make me laugh, don't talk about yourself all the time, have no STDs, treat me w/ respect, but at the same time I want to be treated like a lady, kill icky bugs cuz they scare me, fix the squeaking door, change my car oil, mow the lawn, be nice to my friends and especially my parents, listen to me bitch about life and why nobody understands me, go shopping w/ me, carry my bags cuz it's heavy, come to Home Depot to furnish the place, go food shopping so I can finally have someone to bring home bottles of drinks, no more flirting or talking to other girls, no more poker nights, can't spend the whole day watching football, try yoga, eat more vegetables, stay up w/ me all night if I'm not feeing well, ask directions when you're lost, keep the toilet seat down, eat my cooking even tho in this day and age nobody learns to cook and you better like it, plan our wedding, remember my favorite flavour ice cream, buy me flowers for no reason, think of imaginary names of future kids, do the dishes, laundry, paint the house, etc. etc. etc. and do all this without committing suicide]
  Guy: Great I’ll call you. [Is it worth it? Ok, fine, I'm so horny it's better than the hole in 4 day old stale bagels.  Man, I'm so f#$ked]

  Now, guys and girls, don’t be stupid and ask your Significant Other if the above is true. It’s true, but they’re NOT going to ADMIT it. They’ll make up some excuse “no of course it’s not true girl, I came up to you because I thought you were beautiful”.  Don’t bother, ask your real single friends.

  The sad thing about this, is that even tho it’s 90% true, this is considered a very normal conversation. Guys, don’t you know girls want something besides sex by now?  Girls, don’t you know guys only need 2 things?  If you’re lacking, read the older articles. It’s in there.  Did anybody hook up just prior to the Valentine’s Weekend? Millions of condoms will be thrown in the trash tonight.  Oh, and if any of you guys feel pressure from your gf to commit long term? Make sure when you’re in the bathroom, she doesn’t take that condom and umm “empty the contents into her uterus” otherwise in 9 months your “loss” is her “gain”.  Man I’m so gross haha.

  So who is worse? The guy that just wants action? Or the girl who wants to give a prison sentence?

  • 2:21 am
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