December 11, 2006

• Weezguy’s Guide to Wine Pairing (impress your dates)

  *** Woohoo I PASSED my FAA Written Flying exam: 1/2 way to getting my pilots license yay.

  Eunjoo55 and Trigger won Free Xanga premium for answering the trivia question, knowing the previous background song.

  My roomate sometimes comes into my room (a Guy) and lies on my bed w/ his shirt off and says “Do you want to Snuggle?”  the hairs on my neck twinge as he says that. Someone find me a better place please.

  Wine Pairing w/ food

  Ok, so on this quest to be a well rounded individual (as in mind and soul, not well rounded belly), I’ve been taking these Flying, Acting and Wine Pairing classes.  I know I haven’t written a Guide to article in a while (stupid Halloween always permeates my direction).  I’ve went on wine pairing dates w/ some people and it was pretty fun.

  How many of you out there “want” to know about wine and how to choose them? You guys always say “uhhh one day I’d like to learn”.  Well take your work/study break folks. Turn the computer monitor to the side so your boss won’t see you reading this. In 15 minutes you will learn how to:
  1. Look Snooty: and look down upon those who didn’t read Weezguy’s Guide To Wine Guide
  2. Look Sexy/Educated: “Wow that guy is so culturally sophisticated”
  3. Not get laughed at by the wine steward errr I mean, sommelier when you order the wrong type of wine at a fine dining establishment even tho he says “excellent choice”.
  4. Enhance the dining experience: Food and wine tastes fine (cool that rhymes), but when combined just right, it brings both to a new level. It’s like cooking, get the perfect match of food spices and the right wine to unlock the layers of flavours and it gets it’s own reward. Or something simpler: sex is better together (rhymes) than by yourselves.
  5. And most importantly:  Charm the knickers off the girl. That’s the hidden meaning behind dates right?  I mean, has anyone ever thought of how stupid it is that a girl is willing to get drunk because wine sounds sophisticated and Olde English 40oz doesn’t?  (jk girls I love you all, umm well most of you) 

   

  Now, I’m going to preface everything by saying, I am a beginner so I am relaying information I learned in class, in a practical  (you dumb ass, get it right)  way.  I am DUMBING it down a lot so you guys can benefit from my work and research. These are GENERALIZATIONS and there are always exceptions. In countries outside the USA, wine is offered everywhere and is drank all the time.  Only in the States, do we make it sound like some Exotic, Expensive hobby with an air of mystery to them.  Don’t you love it when the French waiter says “diaf ioewowe jwoef wblahblahiww ejowjfw w” whatever, and you nod your head like a bobble head doll just so you can pretend that you understand and don’t want to be a fool?  Truth be told, there are as many great $10 bottles of wine, as there are awful $100 bottles.  Restaurants love to price wine because they can mark it up 500%  They’ll pay $7 a bottle, and charge you $35 for it.  And of course if you want to haggle like a cheap loser in a posh establishment, you lost ANY depth of character you gained from ordering wine in the first place (oh, plus the girl won’t dig you either). But I’m not here to bitch and moan like a 1973 Ford Pinto.  Off to wine we go!

  Since this article is about Wine Pairing, we are looking for wines that are paired w/ good food. I’m not going to teach you the history, the grape or something you know you’re not going to remember anyways. This is to help you losers look smart. There are some wines that taste great on their own, and there are some awful tasting wines isolated, but when paired w/ food, opens up to many levels and are delicious. Beware of some mumbo jumbo idiots who proclaim “I only like dry wines” or “I have a sweet tooth and want a sweet wine”. Wrong wrong wrong.  Now you can be the snob and laugh at these losers. The key to wine pairing is to achieve that perfect balance. If you have spicy foods, you need some sweeter wine to take the edge off. Meanwhile artichokes and asparagus makes white wines sweeter, therefore you have to start w/ something like a dry Sauvignon Blanc to help curtail this.

  The easiest way to learn something is knowing what NOT to order.  What does that mean?  Imagine you’re dating a girl w/ medium size breasts. You’re not sure if you like the girl you have.  Now…. go to Asia for like a month.  When you come back, those medium size breasts now have extra value. See?  Ok, now, like I said there are exceptions, but when you’re a beginner just throw these out for now and work on better stuff.  3 simple rules to help:

  1. Do not touch White Zinfandels (as opposed to regular tasty Zinfandels) which were made to get rid of extra Zinfandel grapes. It became the gaudy “thing to drink” like wine coolers used to be. Girls love the colour, but foodwise it’s crap. Roses (pronounced Ro-Zay) are similar colour but actually tastes great when matched.
  2. I also stay away from Chardonnays especially California ones which has too much oak flavor. Again, they sell well and people like to drink it on its own, but for wine pairing, the oak and limitations of the grapes, make other varietals better choices.
  3. Merlot: bye bye. It’s hot, it’s classy, sounds nice. Great right?  Nope, now you know better, there are better pairings.  Isn’t it fun?  You now know some things to stay away from and next time you go to the restaurant, you can see some fools pretend they know what you’re doing and now have a feeling of being Snooty knowing they are clueless, and the waiters are laughing too. Score for you.  Ok, recap, NO White Zinfandels, Chardonnays (except maybe the French if you have to), Merlots, oh the heck w/ it, I’m just going to stay away from all American wines, until they get the reputation to STOP making their wines smell like oak all the time.

  

  To make it easy, we’ll just simplify and categorize some wines.  We’ll start from Light to “Stronger” wines.  The “heavier” the type of food you eat, the stronger the type of wine to complement it. For example, steamed vegetables are very light, and greasy thick steak need something to stand up to it. Think about it, if you’re a 225 lb tall fat woman, do you think you can date a 5′foot 110 lb, wimp? Oh hellz no.  You are NOT going to drink that Sauvignon Blanc w/ that T-bone.
  You need Fat w/ Fat.

  Light Bodied Whites: Champagne, Pinot Gris/Grigio, Sauvignon Blanc
  Full Bodied Whites: Viogner, Chablis, Chardonnay
  Light Bodied Reds: Rose, Pinot Noir, Zinfandel
  Full Bodied Reds: Syrah, Bordeaux, Cabernet Sauvignon

  White meat w/ white wines, and red meat w/ red wine is a basic guideline, but it all depends on how it’s prepared, the sauces, spices used etc. So light reds w/ certain fish or chicken is ok, white w/ pork yadda yadda it all depends.

    When some of you are lucky enough to go on a date, try picking a place that actually has a wine list (not the place that has 3 wines available that just happens to be Chardonnay, White Zinfandel, and Cabernet).  When they ask you if you’d like a drink first, do NOT be pressured to order a wine right away.  Make those waiters actually wait.  Decide on your food selection before you order the wine.  It’s like buying some baby girl clothes, and THEN finding out the sonogram didn’t show the penis and you have a boy instead.  Wrong Wrong Wrong.

   

  If the restaurant (which represents YOU) has any class, if you order by the bottle (not by the glass), the waiter or sommelier will show you the bottle, check to make sure it’s the bottle you ordered, including the vintage.  They will open the bottle, pour a little in your glass. Hold the glass by the STEM, not the bowl.  98.6F of body heat does not help the temperature nor flavour of the wine. Do you ever hold ice cream stick by the middle? No, you hold it by the stick. And why? Because you hot little hoochies will make the ice cream melt if you touch the ice cream directly. Take a look at the wine, does it look cloudy? or look weird? Mix the wine a little in the glass to persuade a little aroma out of it as it gets trapped within the shape of the glass. Take a sniff, if it smells like cork, send it back. Sometimes the cork degrades (especially in older vintages) and the wine gets affected. However, most of the wines are a couple of years old and if stored correctly should be no problem. If it smells nice, take a sip and see if there’s nothing wrong w/ it.  Remember, some wines are meant to be paired w/ food. It may taste bad by itself, but when combined w/ food tastes heavenly.

  To appreciate wine pairing, the best thing is to try the WRONG combinations.  Try scallops w/ some Cabernet Sauvignon, or some Pinot Grigio and steak.  It will taste sour, metallic, heavy, disgusting, just like a vagina w/ yeast infection 4 days without a shower while wearing tight leather pants that won’t let it breathe.  Then try the CORRECT wine pairing, and it will sing in your mouth (just as if that vagina took a shower, applied Vagisil, waited for it to clear, then another shower, blow dry, a diet full of vegetables, and then one last shower).  Take a bit of whatever food you’re eating, chew, swirl the flavour around your mouth, and just as you’re about to swallow, sip the wine and see what kind of reaction you feel (w/ both the wrong, and w/ the correct pairing).

   

  Here are some tips:

  White wines taste metallic (yuck) w/ oily (gray) parts of steakfish (salmon, bluefish, tuna)
  Red wines taste metallic w/ vinegar (some salad dressings), shellfish and snails
  Red wine tannins are softened w/ pepper and fat. Red meat needs the tannic grip to cleanse the palate of the big meaty flavour.
  Salty foods needs sweet wines.
  Spicy foods need light, low alcohol, sweet wines. High alcohol wines increases the burn, sugar cools them.
  High acid foods (tomato, citrus) needs high acid wines.
  Champagne is bad w/ caviar or smoked salmon. However, very dry champagne, may be fine.
  Champagne goes very well w/ fried, or salty foods, eggs, soups, salads, sashimi, tempura.

  Salads: Always white wine, highly acidic dressings, need some light white wine such as Sauvignon Blanc, Dry Rieslings, dry Champagne. Avoid sweet wines.

  Shellfish: Sauvignon Blanc, Chenin Blanc, Rieslings, Chablis (sweeter Lobster and King Crab), Sparking Wine, avoid American Sauvignon Blanc (Fume Blanc).

  Shellfish (Sauteed and Fried): When you fat heads decide to add butter, try some Middle Rieslings, a sparkling Vouray.

  Delicate fish like flounder, trout, sea bass, halibut etc, served w/ delicate sauces needs a more delicate wine.  How about a Chablis or Riesling?

  

  Fatty Fish: Salmon, Tuna, Swordfish, anchovies, sardines. Just like Big Mama, you’re going to need some help here. Heavier whites and even some light Reds. Pinot Gris, Chenin Blanc, Riesling, Viognier. Reds can help here also, Pinot (don’t say the noir), Cabernet Franc, Barbera

  Italian: Just like when you can’t figure out why he’s with that ugly girl?  It’s Amore…. Red bold tomato sauce? Try some light reds: Chianti, Zinfandel, Pinot, Syrah, Cabernet Franc.
  Non tomatoey (is that a word?) heavy cream sauce? Cut the think cream w/ some light acidic Savignon Blanc.

  Picnics: say you’re old and/or cheap, and instead of pulling out your wallet, you decide to woo her w/ some sandwiches, salad and a picnic basket.  Summertime lightness bring out the lighter fruity reds. Zinfandel (NOT WHITE Zinfandel), and some Rose (pink like White Zinfandel, but refreshing).

  Spicy foods: as mentioned, LOW alcohol (like what you give to a recovering alcoholic) w/ sweetness is what you want. Think about it, do you pour gasoline on a fire? Try some Riesling.

  Chinese Food: hmmm complex flavours, just like Chinese math students. Stick w/ some food friendly wines like Riesling (again), Cabernet Franc, Pinot (noir for you ADD students), Rose (Rooow Zay).

  Japanese: Kinky (like their teenage girls). We have Sushi, the pure essence of poor screaming fish who gets their bodies sliced away while alive. Riesling, sparkling wine (not sweet Champagne), Sauvignon Blanc, think of it as a 80 yr old Trailer Park mom,  Dry and White.
  Tempura?:  Light fried, needs some light sparkling wine. Champagne is fine too
  Teriyaki: lighter meats like chicken, seafood, and pork get a Riesling. Beef something a little heavier like a lighter red. Cabernet Franc, maybe a Pinot?

  

  BBQ?  I prefer a nice Zinfandel (again NOT White). Maybe a Pinot Noir. Ohh, w/ sweety tangy sauces? Meat and Syrah I like together. Has a little peppery flavour.

  

  Ahhh Big Meats:  Who can stand up to a Bouncer at a club?  You need a big friend.  Whether you’re eating heavy beef steaks, Lamb, Game meat, or even duck you may need to bring out the Big Gun.  CABERNET SAVIGNON. Now, this is kind of like your SEXIEST Victoria’s Secret underwear.  You do NOT use this except on special occasions.  You don’t use it for everyday. But when that husband of yours gets limp, or is thinking of leaving you, you bring this thing out.  Cabernet Sauvignon is difficult to pair because it’s heavy heavy, (which is why sometimes you leave it in the wine cellar for 20 years). But when the job calls for it, bring it on! Drink it w/ the heaviest fattest meats because this thing will kill fish, salads, shellfish, geeks, 10 yr old condoms,  anything that is too wimpy to taste good w/ it.

  I know this is like 3rd grade and you’re trying to memorize a new multiplication table, so I just memorize maybe 3 or 4 types of wines for what types of foods, and stick w/ that. That way you’ll feel safe, and look like you know what you’re talking about even if you don’t.  And even if you don’t, just pretend to your date that you do. It’s called marketing I believe.  About a year ago, this FOB came to the States, and I said to her “in this country, it is the woman who pays the meal”.  And before I knew it, she used her credit card and bought me dinner.  Well slap me silly, I wasn’t going to make her pay for it, but she handed the credit card to the waiter before I knew what was happening.  They should have more FOBs come here if that were the case.

  So far I’ve taken some people out for wine pairing. It is a fun experience.  I went to this place where they had Tapas, and we ordered like 7 different plates and 5 glasses of wine to experiement how they tasted.  Since I’m new to California,  anybody want to experiment Wine Pairing?  I’ll be in NYC too, let me know your schedules. Oh, and never fly drunk (because the plane doesn’t have a refrigerator).

  Nice fun date song: Dancing in the moonlight

  “Dancing In The Moonlight” is a song which appears on the 1973 King Harvest album Dancing in the Moonlight. The title track was released in 1973, and was King Harvest’s only hit song. It reached #13 on the Billboard Hot 100

  we get it on most every night
  when that moon gets big and bright
  it’s supernatural delight
  everybody was dancing in the moonlight
  
  everybody here is out of sight
  they dont bark and they dont bite
  they keep things loose, they keep things light
  everybody was dancing in the moonlight
  
  dancing in the moonlight
  everybodys feeling warm and bright
  it’s such a fine and natural sight
  everybodys dancing in the moonlight
  
  we like our fun and we never fight
  you cant dance and stay uptight
  its supernatural delight
  everybody was dancing in the moonlight
  
  dancing in the moonlight
  everybodys feeling warm and bright
  it’s such a fine and natural sight
  everybodys dancing in the moonlight
  
  everybody here is out of sight
  they dont bark and they dont bite
  they keep things loose, they keep things light
  everybody was dancing in the moonlight
  
  everybodys dancing in the moonlight
  everybody’s feeling warm and bright
  it’s such a fine and natural sight
  everybody’s dancing in the moonlight
  chorus x 2 and fade

   

  • 6:12 am
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