August 24, 2006

• Weezguy’s Guide to how NOT to meet new girls

  
  

  Ok, this INFORMATIONAL article is to teach those who moved to a new place (in this case California) without knowing anyone.  Now, the easiest way to meet people, is usually thru school, thru coworkers, or thru other friends right?  Now, let’s say summer classes are no longer being offered. Strike 1. Moving to a new place, I don’t have a job. Strike 2. Or going to a new city where you don’t have any friends in the first place to introduce you to others. STRIKE 3.  Therefore you have to be a little more creative. However, let’s just say these approaches do NOT work.  How do I know? “umm I read it on a Xanga somewhere”.

  
  

   BEACH: When you don’t have a specific place to go, you tend to wander around right? Come on, you know you can’t be stuck indoors. So where do people in California go? Hmm, well you always hear about the Beach Boys. Ok, let’s go to the beach. So say you’re walking around, and all the girls are tanning like fish in a fryer, lying down. What can you POSSIBLY say to 2 girls in a vulnerable position that won’t freak them out? “uhhhh, so do you girls like tanning?” or “errrr I’m lost, do you know where the beach is?” or “let me help you put some suntan lotion on”.  I don’t know what hurts more, the broken seashells that you step on, or the shrieking sounds girls make in Dolby Digital Stereo.  I think if you wear a cap, less people would recognize you on the news.

  
  

   Sidewalk:  Ok, so the beach is designed more for people in the horizontal position.  People are more comfortable when they’re not vulnerable wearing nothing but a bikini. Therefore you have to go on the sidewalks where people are walking upright. Now girls, let’s just say you were walking down the street, and this guy just comes up to you “Hi, I just moved here and have NO friends, will you be my only friend?”  Now I can make a short story long, but the illustration proves that a picture is worth a 1000 words. If the police arrive on the scene, I suggest you disembark. 

  
  

   BubbleTea: Ok, whether the girl is horizontal OR vertical seems to make no difference. What you have to do, is have a purpose otherwise it’s spooky to a girl. One of my friends gave me an opportunity to market free bubble tea stuff on the streets. Ok, so here I am, w/ a bunch of OPEN cups of bubble tea (yea, you trust a person who just hands out drinks in a paper cup right?), going up to a bunch of strangers basically saying will you try my drinks? (of course not in those exact words). Now perhaps if I had a uniform, or didn’t look like a dork carrying around trays of drinks begging people to try it, it would have been easier. Surprisingly we gave away over 100 cups of this crap, errr I mean sweet drink to people. But for some reason, girls don’t think a guy that gives bubble tea for a living would be good on the status thing.

  
  

  SuperMarket: Ok, so of course people would learn from their mistakes. Outside may be a little vulnerable. So let’s try the approach on an INSIDE establishment. Usually in supermarkets, everyone is above 50 or below 10 years old. I mean come on, how many 20 year old people cook nowadays. Well say you finally spot someone semi-attractive on the aisle.  Never mind that she is in the Baby-Formula section. What can you POSSIBLY say that doesn’t sound stupid? “errr like do you like drinking that stuff?” or “hey I like milk too!” Regrettably, NOTHING would have been a good opening line. Why did she have to be in the baby formula aisle at that time?

  
  

   Bars: Ok, what have we learned so far? Meet girls in the vertical position, have some type of icebreaker instead of just errr hi, don’t approach them offering something that you could have spit in, and try something indoors. Whoa! Here’s a new concept. a BAR.   I figured, girls that come out at night are more interested in meeting people, than girls (or mothers in the baby section of the store) who do daytime errands. In New York City, bars and clubs close at 4am, and they kick you at 4am.  In California, bars and clubs close at 2am, and they kick you out at 1:30am. Ok, imagine my surprise when I go at midnight (the typical time to go in NYC) and it’s already packed.  Well, waiting on line (by yourself) w/ 20 other guys doesn’t help either, I patiently waited to go in. By the time I get in, it’s almost 1am. Ok, so I get a drink at the bar, make small talk and some of the girls are really friendly. Wow finally a concept that works. When all the sudden, they start throwing up. Uh oh. What the hell is going on here? It’s only 1:30am!!  And then all the sudden the lights come on. Was there a fight? NOOOOOO the bouncers start to kick people out. Lush and lusher here start clinging on to me like I am the last shrimp at a buffet from a fat girl. Now I don’t know about you…. but when you see girls w/ froth coming out of their mouths, I think of Rabies. Get away from me….. puhleeeease

  
  

   

  
  

   

  
  

   

  
  

   

  
  

   Booking: If Nicholas cage can meet his 19 year old wife this way, surely I can meet some people right? In NYC they don’t typically have booking (and it’s too small). But in LA it’s pretty common and so I went for my first time. For those who don’t know, in Korea, it’s a little slutty for a girl to go hit on a guy. So waiters at clubs, literally GRAB girls from the club to introduce to various guys sitting at tables. Now, EVEN if a girl likes a guy, she PRETENDS to not want to go, so that way if she gets rejected by a guy, she saves face (or avoids embarrassment). Well I go with a few people. But of course the girls get grabbed away, and I am sitting at the table all by myself. Now if girls pretend to not want to sit at the table (who is this loser sitting by himself?), then she must REALLY must want to meet me since she’s screaming like she’s getting raped by a gorilla.  I must say it was pretty interesting, I met 10 people that night.  With every mistake I made, I am getting closer and closer to knowing what to do.

  
  

   Mixers: Ahhhh. Here we go, we take everything we learned. Be Vertical, have purpose, have an icebreaker, Indoors, Nighttime, people who WANT to meet others, and Low Alcohol consumption.  Everything culminated together and I guess you mix them together and you have Voila! Mixer.  Ok, so I’m thinking it should be pretty casual. I’m wearing a basic t shirt and jeans. But apparently these LA people are quite posh. Guys are wearing suits, girls are wearing nice dresses. There is a fine line on how to respond when talking to these people. While guys brag “Yes, yes in Harvard we didn’t have to deal w/ this unsightly traffic”, you have to pretend you are quite impressed that you are talking to such a fine bloke of such caliber, while at the same time, not be awwwed, that you are such a loser and he is the only person of status you ever met. Therefore I hobnobbed and rubbed elbows with such persons of exquisite impeccable nature while hiding my Hard Rock T-shirt under my crossed arms.  To my dismay, if you go to an Ivy League mixer, next time do research BEFORE you go there. Let’s just say the ladies didn’t like my 100% cotton t shirt. Perhaps if it had a hint of polyester.

  
  

  Conclusion:
  Would you try any of the above stunts?  Yea, me neither.  I mean who would be stupid to do any of those above things?   Yea I met some really cool people.  While I’m here in Cali, Shout outs to some of my cali friends Sher, Shan, Mand, Con, May,  Ji.

  • 9:58 pm
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