September 21, 2005

• Sexy? What’s attractive, and what’s not ?

  
  

   SEXY  NOT SEXY   FATAL

  
  

  What makes a girl (or a guy) attractive? Is it just their appearance? Or the way they act?, their personality?, the way they do things? or are they just plain Hizzzzzot? Why is it that sometimes you want to kiss someone the first time you meet them, while others you make you squirm and empty your bladder the moment you see them in the corner of your eye? There are reasons folks! There are some hot people who’s personality turns you off like watching fat senior citizen porn, and on the other end of the spectrum there are some really cute ugly people (oxymoron) out there. I’d like to share w/ you, some things that I feel are Sexy, and some big Turn offs. Each paragraph, I’ll give a brief description.  Shall we begin?

  
  

   

  
  

      

  
  

  SEXY: A hot looking person
  NOT Sexy: An Ugly person
  FATAL: An Ugly person trying to be a hot person
  Ok folks, we might as well admit it. When someone is hot, there is just raw animal attraction. You know, this is is what gets the soldier to stand at attention, or maybe makes a girl carry around an extra panty shield. However, do you know what’s worse than an ugly person? It’s an ugly person trying to look like they’re hot. Girl, if you are a size 31, do NOT try to squeeze into BabyGAP clothing ok? There’s nothing more UNSexy (is that a word?) than wearing a hoochie outfit, w/ fat rolls hanging out like a teenage delinquent. Get that kid home, smack him a few times, lock it up and throw away the key. This goes the same for you guys w/ either a scrawny Ethiopian cratered chest, or guys w/ ManBreasts who like to take their shirt off in public. They should be shot like a courier of OsamaBinLaden.  If you are unattractive, take what dignity you have and put as much clothing on as you can. Yes, covering acne, and cysts are good. You want to wear MORE, not less. Clothes may make the man, but girls in Chinese sweatshops make the clothes. Don’t let their work go for naught. Cover up and make the world a prettier place to live. Give a Hoot don’t pollute.

  
  

  

  
  

  SEXY: Someone that can make you laugh
  NOT Sexy: Someone that makes you sleep
  FATAL: Someone that makes you release ur bowels

  
  

  We all want to be happy right? What’s more happy than being with someone that makes you smile and laugh all day as if your crotch was being tickled by a vibrator all day? Some people are witty, and you get that “brain laughter” (oh, I get it), while other people are airheads and laugh at anything (probably an easy score). I like girls who can joke about anything and makes you giddy just by talking. Ahhh isn’t that a good feeling?. Let’s face it, not everyone is fun, some people bore you so much that you wish you can take your eyeball out of its socket and suck it like candy just to lick the tears off that formed when you decided to hang out w/ this loser.  But you know what’s worse? Hanging out w/ some loser that makes you cry. Sometimes people like playing games w/ each other. Drama, drama, drama. If you want drama watch some Korean movie, watch 2 lovers fight thru hardship to be w/ each other only to die of cancer/leukemia/aids/or a broken heart. Don’t stay w/ someone who thinks you are crying from joy when actually you just want to stick tobasco sauce in their contacts lens case when they’re sleeping.

  
  

  SEXY: Confidence
  NOT SEXY: Cockiness
  FATAL: A CockHead
  There’s someone just attractive about seeing someone who knows what they’re doing. There’s just that aura that they are capable of doing anything. Whether it be at work, at the social scene, or in the whorehouse. It’s such a better feeling to be w/ someone that isn’t confused, indecisive, lost. Why? Because when you’re w/ that person, it feels like your going places. Like that person is going to bring you to a new happier place in life. Isn’t this much better than being w/ someone who can’t decide which magazine to bring to the toilet? Confidence, is about knowing what you can accomplish to the best of your abilities and acting on it. Cockiness is similar, but the difference is that you like to SPILLOVER your abilities to someone else, who may not welcome it. Yea, cockiness is some arrogant Know it all, that likes to brag he went to Harvard and is God’s gift to the world when actually he’s just God’s gift to himself. Be considerate towards your partner, it’s much more sexy than putting yourself above everyone else. A Cockhead is basically a Penis. Someone who’s Cocky, but actually didn’t have the grades to finish HS. A real dick.

  
  

  
  

  

  
  

  SEXY: Someone w/ a good sense of direction
  NOT SEXY: A guy who won’t ask for directions
  FATAL: A girl who gets lost trying to get out of the subway station
  Maybe it’s just me, but I find it a mockery how lost some people are. They can live in the same place for 10 years, and the only thing they know how to get to is a Macy’s, a porn shop or a hot dog vendor selling wieners for $1.75. I like traveling and it’s really attractive finding someone who knows their way around. Whether driving, knowing which train/bus to take, or what intersection something is on. If they don’t know, they at least know where to call, where to ask, how to find out. It’s kind of a turnoff when someone is like a 36 month old helpless baby, that just sucks on a nipple to get nourishment. “Hmm, I’m on 34st and need to get to 32nd street, errr what do I do now?” Grrrrr. If they actually used their brains instead of depending on someone else to take them places, their image would improve drastically.
  Tip of the Day: The sun rises in the east, and sets in the west. If it’s 3pm, and you are on 3rd ave, and want to get to 5th ave (Manhattan), walk towards the sun (west).

  
  

       

  
  

  SEXY: a self-made millionaire
  NOT SEXY: a spoiled rich brat or GoldDigger
  FATAL: A wannabe bling bing rich looking person who secretly lives w/ their mommy
  “A fool and his money are soon parted” This is an important famous quote? Why is it that you hear stories of some poor immigrant coming to America w/ .37 cents (and bad teeth) become rich, while dozens of lottery winners file for bankruptcy? It is their money management skills. Seeing someone work hard and become successful emanates intelligence, power, wisdom, and ability. A spoiled brat or princess, sometimes think they are better than others just because they inherited some money. Take that money away, and they’ll be as helpless as a turd that can’t flush itself down a toilet. Then there are people who try to front. You know, they bought a used 1982 BMW just so they can say they have a Beamer. They wear genuine LV Bags, Prada shoes (which they take off often, so people can see the label inside), nice Rolex watches. Look in their wallet, and you will see they can’t afford  a 4 piece Happy Meal at McDonalds. They can’t afford rent and live at home w/ mommy, so they don’t want anyone to ever come over. Their credit card bills is larger than the debt of some 3rd world country. If you want the real deal? Follow him home one day and avoid the gunshots.

  
  

        

  
  

  SEXY: Watching someone do a physical activity
  NOT SEXY: A couch potato
  FATAL: The only exercise he gets is going to the toilet (and loses 10 pounds each time)

  
  

  Sometimes it’s fun to observe somebody (that you like of course) do some physical activity.  Like watching a girl washing a car, or driving a stick shift, painting a picture, or singing. Maybe a guy playing a guitar, playing sports, or giving a powerful speech at some convention. When you like someone, and see them do something you also enjoy, it just brings brings some extra attraction. Why? I don’t’ know, just ask all the groupies who want to have sex w/ Rock Bands. It’s probably an extension of the person that you can both share in. Sometimes people have sick fantasies like pooping together, bondage, whips, fat porn whatever. But as long as you enjoy ur secret activities, it just brings you closer. On the other end of the spectrum is the fat couch potato that was once 150 lbs, when they were 30, that has now grown to 425 lbs in a scant 10 years, because of neglect and lack of desire. Don’t let this happen to you. Either feed him or Ethiopia, but pick one.

  
  

          

  
  

  SEXY: a guy that can cook
  NOT SEXY: a girl who can’t cook
  FATAL: a person who f*cks up Ramen Noodles
  Yea yea I know, it’s a sexist world. Nevertheless if a girl or guy can cook, it’s such a plus. Why? Because taste is sensual. Cooking is an art, and by showing that you have mastered this skill, you are more than a loser. You are now a loser that can cook. You are the rare someone (in today’s age at least) that can replicate this sensual activity over and over again, kind of like owning your very own ATM. Cooking is time consuming, but when someone special comes along, I want to show them how special they are (you can read it in this entry). The moment you sweat on top of that hot stove and the flavour wafts across the room, she’ll drop her pants faster than a black man can run the 100 meter dash. Face it, in this age of Subway Sandwiches and PopTarts, someone that can cook, is someone that’s marraige material. If you can’t cook, LEARN, it’s so worth it. Helpful Hint: if you pressured into marriage, f**k up some Ramen noodles, and they may not want you 

  
  

  

  
  

  SEXY: Smarts and Intelligence
  NOT Sexy: Stupidity
  FATAL: An IQ of a turd, mixed w/ a six pack of Ugly (and a side of zits)
  Someone who has intelligence and smarts is just really attractive. Now there’s a difference between the 2. Intelligence means you can calculate things well. Smarts is the ability to apply what you know to situations. Doesn’t everyone know someone who is pretty intelligent, but is so socially stupid, that he doesn’t know how to engage is social situations? Personally I think street smarts is more practical in today’s world, but it’s great to have both. It’s sexy to find someone that can do things on their own w/o having to depend on someone else. They like to read, watch CNN, or CNBC (some of you may have seen me on CNBC and Bloomberg commercials in the past, holla back) take classes etc. You want to be w/ someone who knows what’s going on and is ambitious. Why? Because smarts enable the person (and perhaps you) to go along the ride w/ them. It just brings a sense of wow, this person is going to be successful one day. Stupidity on the hand, just plain sucks. Nobody brags to their friend “Oh, Bubba took 4 times to pass 6th grade, and 3 times to pass gas”. They don’t understand jokes and umm oh wait a second (come to think of it), they don’t understand anything. Eventually you run out of patience teaching them the difference between shampoo and conditioner. If you are an A student, and they are an F-, will your children average out to be C- students?

  
  

  SEXY: Someone that smells nice
  NOT SEXY: Someone that smells bad
  FATAL: Someone that you can smell an hour before they arrive

  
  

  

  
  

  There has been studies to show that if you can not stand the way a person smells, the relationship will not last. I guess it’s true. I think one of life’s natural highs is being able to lie next to someone that smells so good you can fall asleep and wake up 14.3 days younger. Which is better? Cologne, Perfume, OR the way a person smells after taking a hot shower? I kind of like the way soap and shampoo smell on a girl fresh out of the shower. It all smells sexy, until people put on clothes, and then go to work, sweat, workout, etc. Hey, sweating is natural, but if you decide to engage in any foreplay? Make sure you wash that thing like it had the plague. Smegma is NOT sexy. But you know what’s the worst? Someone that smells so much that even the Ivory baby cries. You know, they take a shower, and the tub turns all black, and 5 minutes after they take a shower, they smell like they played around in Shaquille O”neal’s armpits. They look like a forest w/ hair coming out of their turtlenecks, ass crack, tongue and house. An hour before they arrive, you will hear Hurricane Katrina warnings systems as flowers wilt, birds flee, and even insects migrate away. I don’t know what to tell you, I’d drink liquid Clorox for a week (warning, may be fatal) in order to clean the sweat glands emanating from your skin.  N O T Sexy.

  
  

            

  
  

  SEXY: Someone that knows how to dress
  NOT Sexy: Someone that’s fashionably challenged
  FATAL: A 70 yr old grandma Undressing

  
  

  The way a person dresses gives an idea about the aura they bring. It doens’t have to expensive or have a name brand label. But you want to wear something that makes you look nice. Personally, I think if a girl can look good w/ a t shirt and a pair of jeans, she is much more sexier than some Liberace wearing, bling bling, I shopped at Prada exclaiming, Chinatown fake LV bag wearing girl. Girls (in general) love to shop, and buy clothes to show off and look good. Why is it like 95% of fashion majors are girls (or gay guys)? Girls buy stuff to show off to other girls (stupid bitch, I’m gonna show her who has nicer shoes). When guys check out girls, they’re not thinking “oh man she was so hot until I realized she was just wearing Walmart clothes”. NOoo. When guys check out a girl’s behind, they don’t care if you got those pants from Armani, Diesel, KMart, or Pablo’s garage sale. Girls on the other hand, check out how the guys dresses, the type of shoes he wears, how colour coordinated he is and how he puts all the crap together. So for you guys: Dress nice, girls love it.  For you girls: it’s not the type of clothes you wear, but how your ass looks good in it.

  
  

  Conclusion: Remember, being attractive isn’t always about looks (but it sure does help). It’s about personality, sense of humor, charisma, attitude, confidence, style etc. etc. Next time you walk around and you say to yourself “Damn, how that Fugly looking biatch/nigga/hoe/tramp/loser/bignose/fatass/old (pick one, or mix and match) get such a fine guy/girl”?  Well, now you know. And knowing is 1/2 the battle. Go Joe.

  
  

  What type of things do you think are sexy on a guy/girl? Let me know, I’ll expand on it. And Subscribe, Weezguy’s Guide to Clubbin (part 2) is coming.

  
  

   

  
  

  BACKGROUND SONG (AT TIME OF WRITING):

  
  

  You Sexy Thing Hot Chocolate (circa 1976)
  I believe in miracles
  Where you from you sexy thing
  I believe in miracles
  Since you came along you sexy thing
  
  Where did you come from, baby
  How did ya’ know I needed you
  How did ya’ know I needed you so badly
  How did ya’ know I’d give my heart gladly
  Yesterday, I was one of a lonely people
  Now you’re lying close to me
  Making love to me
  
  I believe in miracles
  Where you from you sexy thing
  I believe in miracles
  Since you came along you sexy thing
  
  Where did you come from, angel
  How did ya’ know that I’d be the one
  Did you know you’re everything I’ve prayed for
  Did you know every night and day for
  Every day needing love and satisfaction
  Now you’re lying next to me, giving it to me
  
  I believe in miracles
  Where you from you sexy thing
  I believe in miracles
  Since you came along, you sexy thing
  
  Kiss me, you sexy thing
  Touch me, baby, you sexy thing
  I love the way you touch me, darlin’
  You sexy thing, it’s extasy
  Yesterday, I was one of a lonely people
  Now you’re lying close to me
  Givin’ it to me
  
  I believe in miracles
  Where you from you sexy thing
  I believe in miracles
  Since you came along, you sexy thing
  
  Touch me
  Kiss me, darlin’
  I love the way you hold me, baby
  It’s extasy, It’s extasy
  Kiss me, baby
  I love the way you kiss me, darlin’
  Love the way you hold me
  Keep on lovin’ me, darlin’
  Keep on lovin’ be, baby

  • 1:21 am
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