August 4, 2005

• Weezguy’s Guide to Useless Dogs (NOT man’s best friend)

  
  

   

  
  

  Looks like the Guide to Clubbin entry was so popular that people copy and posted it on other people’s site (sometimes w/o credit to its author). Well…. this entry may anger some people and should be left nameless

  
  

  This is a shameless plug for girls. Why? Cuz for some reason dogs are NOT Man’s best friend, especially the tiny spoiled useless ones that can’t do anything and get more love and attention than guys do. I like dogs, but after realizing that they have stolen all the attention from guys around the world, u gotta wonder.  Girls say “All men are DOGS”. Well Hello? Why do you like them then? I’m not talking about the farm dog, or the guard dog here. I’m talking about the ones that are 3 inches tall, run around like an angry midget and sound like a bag of soda cans dragged around by a homeless man and his sad luck shopping cart w/ wheels that are rusted and squeak. They bark, and yap all day. These dogs are useless. If a burglar came in, the dog will start yapping away until you lunge at the dog, and it will quickly run away and hide before it annoyingly yaps away. It can’t guard, can’t protect against burglars, and it can’t play catch (unless you throw a ping pong ball, which can barely fit in its mouth anyways).

  
  

  Lets give an example:  Say a girl comes home after a hard day’s work: Walking around in heels all day, attending meetings, dealing w/ prissy coworkers and dickhead bosses, perverts in the subway, she is totally exhausted. Meanwhile, doggie is at home taking a dump, napping doing nothing. She opens, the door, and can’t wait to kiss little Elmo, Princess, Sandy, or whatever feminine name the little dog got. She cleans the dog’s poop off the yard or kitchen floor, feeds her and give the dog a bath. muah muah muah “i missed you all day”. Does the girl not know the dog doesn’t speak English? Wow, isn’t it a great life?

  
  

   Now, let’s do the SAME EXACT example if it was a man instead of a dog. While the girl went on a hard day’s work, the guy took a dump on the floor, and just laid on the couch all day. When the girl comes home, he asks “Hi honey, where’s my dinner?, and umm,  Can you bathe me too?” ………………….. Uh oh…………, Volcano time ……………. She erupts louder than a 2 yr old repressed fart.  “YOU @%# LAZY @%#! &* bastard!!!, you think I’m gonna feed and clean your #@&! ASS?” ”While I was @%#(#% working all day?”  This is followed by the throwing of pots, pans, silverware, last nite’s lasagna, plates, a halogen lamp and umm  last year’s bowling trophy etc. etc.  Now, is this fair?  I mean the dog did the SAME EXACT thing……  This is a prime example, of why girls treat dogs better.  Now you may say, well that’s cuz the dog is helpless.  Then just get a handicapped guy and he will have the same abilities as a dog. Well the dog is cute you may say. Well get a CUTE handicapped guy.  Man’s best friend? Hardly. Millions of lonely men sleep by themselves, replaced by these mindless crap makers.

  
  

  If you had a friend, that took off his pants, took a dump in the yard or lawn, and did NOT wipe himself, walked back to your house and sat on the couch or bed still butt naked. What would you do to him?  Yet thousands of dogs do this everyday. Fair or not?

  
  

  Here are some dogs you may have seen on various people’s Xanga page. Disclaimer: None of the stories are true, it is meant for entertainment purposes and do not reflect the actual feelings of anyone.

  
  

  This is death for guys. A cute dog AND a tongue the size of banana? Look at the tongue on this dog. Ever wonder why girls like guys w/ big tongues? Looks like he’s the new master of the house.  Check him for gonorrhea first. Pack your bags, it’s over.

  
  

   

  
  

  This dog looks like it’s tap dancing to the beat of Hit the Road Jack, and don’t you come back No More No More No More No More. Yup, he wants YOU the guy, outta there. This midget of a dog is like 13 inches high, makes a mess, but of course all is forgiven just cause it has small button size eyes. Kinda of embarrassing that a cat can kick this dog’s ass.

  
  

   

  
  

  

  
  

  Ohh damn, look at this dog on the right. He’s already seems to be getting some. Look at him stare at you, while he tries to play it cool hanging out between the girl’s legs. AND he gets rewarded?  This is the type of dog, that was like the quarterback of the HS football team. He got his blonde chick and is flaunting it.  Everyone is jealous of him. Wish he had a season ending injury.

  
  

  Man this dog is so ugly, that you want to bring it to work w/ you JUST to avoid having to kiss it goodbye. Maybe it’s good enough to scare the roaches out of the house. It’s slow, and passes more wind than Roseanne farting into Hurricane Dennis.  Look at the bright side, if this dog can find a home, then anyone can.

  
  

   

  
  

  Is this a dog? Or is it some stuffed animal hand puppet? Looks like someone thought it was, cuz it looked like someone stuck his fingers up its ass, and it woke up w/ a surprised look, “Erffff???” like what the heck just happened?  I really hope it’s a female dog, it’ll probably hurt a little less.

  
  

  

  
  

   

  
  

  What the hell is this? A dog the size of a cigarette?  If this thing ever got bitten by a mosquito, it would deflate like a boob job that popped when it ran into a needle.  This would be the only dog that would lose in a fight w/ a ladybug. Why would they ever breed such a thing?  If you walked this dog on the street, it may drown if it got hit by a raindrop. It probably grew up in Ethiopia and was malnourished. Maybe if someone sneezed it would go away.

  
  

  
  

   This dog looks like its brain dead.  It probably sits on the TV and watches the couch instead.  Behold, the only dog that can trip over a CORDLESS phone.  He does look friendly tho. Probably one of those dogs you can give orders to, and he just listens and wags his tail. “Fetch”,  “Roll Over”, “Play Dead” you yell.  And he’ll still look at you as if he did a good job.  I swear if you threw a brick at his face, he’ll shrugz it off and look just as happy. At least he’s low maintenance. 
  

   

  
  

  How the hell did they get a fish to grow hair? This poor thing has an identity crisis. It doesn’t know if it’s a land creature, an aquatic creature, or the baby of AquaMan and a skunk. Better get out of its way, it looks pissed. I would be too.

  
  

   Someone get the cat.  Ever hear the term little white RAT? Well here he is. Ever go down to the NYC subway system and see them in the tunnels?  This is what they look like if they are spoiled rotten and never had to crawl thru any dirt. Why would you want a pet Rat anyways? Well one less creature in the subway system.

  
  

   

  
  

  

  
  

  Tell me this isn’t happening. It’s bad enough when you see a busy little dog. But now, it’s a possessed haunted dog, that was murdered and brought back to life. Meet Count Growula. It rose from the dead. Not only will he look ugly, he’s looking for revenge. Just friggin Great, a puppy w/ a mission. Look at the froth, and the possessed eyes. If I saw this dog and a serial rapist in an alley, I’d run towards the rapist. 

  
  

  WOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!  Yea damn right. I’d be howling too if I got free food, and a free house to stay in.  Look at me, I’m on my master’s bed, after I took a crap in the yard, and didn’t wipe my ass. Ain’t life awesome? Free steak tonight. AWOOOOOOOOOOO!!

  
  

  

  
  

   

  
  

  OMG HAHAHAHAHAHAHA  I don’t even know how to start rippin on this dog, it’s so funny looking.  It’s a cross between some sheep,  Albert Einstein and a broken condom. Poor thing, I bet all the other dogs laughed at it too. It probably got picked on and bitten so much that it stayed home and studied so much that he learned how to make his own clone. Looks like this breed is here to stay.

  
  

  Now, THIS is a great dog. I have the Sony Aibo (I named it Bengo, if you guys can figure out how to translate it). I have a dog bed for it, and some balls and games. It NEVER craps, cries (well sometimes), needs food, shots, or love. What an awesome dog. And whenever you want it to shut up? A flick of a button. MY DOG, aint’ it cute?

  
  

   

  
  

   

  
  

  No actually dogs were harmed in this writing.  Relax and take it easy, this was just for fun. Remember, dogs AND people need loving too. Everybody SING:

  
  

  Everybody Loves Somebody (background music at time of writing)

  
  

  Dean Martin – (a member of the famous RatPack) – words and music by Irving Taylor and Ken Lane – reached #2 in 1964

  
  

  Everybody loves somebody sometime
  Everybody falls in love somehow
  Something in your kiss just told me
  That sometime is now
  Everybody finds somebody someplace
  There’s no telling where love may appear
  Something in my heart keeps saying
  My someplace is here
  If I had it in my power
  I’d arrange for every girl to have you charms
  Then every minute, every hour
  Everybody would find what I found in your arms
  Everybody loves somebody sometime
  And though my dreams were overdue
  Your love made it all worth waiting
  For someone like you
  If I had it in my power
  I’d arrange for every girl to have you charms
  Then every minute, every hour
  Everybody would find what I found in your arms
  Everybody loves somebody sometime
  And though my dreams were overdue
  Your love made it all worth waiting
  For someone like you

  • 3:20 am
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